Friday, February 5, 2016

What Type of Park Parent are You? (Quiz)

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***You can take the electronic version of the quiz above, or you can take the manual version of the quiz below. Enjoy :-)

1) When your spouse asks you to take the kids to the park you...

A) Start arguing that they were just at the park last month. Why do they need to go again so soon? (5)
B) Get excited about all of the new friends you're going to make. (2)
C) Start thinking of all the things that could go wrong and pack an entire suitcase of emergency medical equipment and food rations. (4)
D) Charge your cell phone. (1)

2) What do you do if another parent tries to talk to you?

A) Tell them that you don't want to hear about any of their problems because you have enough of your own shit to deal with. (5)
B) Fart, blame it on a passing child and hope they go away. (3)
C) Ignore them and continue refreshing your Facebook news feed. (1)
D) You seize the moment. You can't wait to tell them about your hemorrhoids that just flared up again. (2)

3) Do you play with your kid?

A) If I do we play Pin the Tail on the Go the Fuck Away. (3)
B) Not unless they promise we can leave afterward. (5)
C) I live for it. I even try to pull all of the kids together and lead a game of tag. (4)
D) Only if it gets me closer to the other parents to have an adult conversation. (2)

4) If your kid pushes someone off park equipment you...

A) Grunt approvingly. (5)
B) Didn't notice because you were swapping potty training stories with another parent. (2)
C) Post a Facebook status asking for advice on what to do if someone is bullying your kid on the playground. (1)
D) Hope nobody else noticed. (3)

5) What do you do if someone else's kid gets hurt?

A) Break out your suitcase of medical gear. (4)
B) Pretend you didn't see it. (3)
C) You're talking on the phone with a friend and don't notice. (2)
D) Good. That kid was an asshole. (5)

6) Another parent asks where you work. You...

A) Tell them to hang on while you answer work emails. (1)
B) Can't wait to share all of your workplace stories. (2)
C) Tell them you can't discuss pending litigation. (3)
D) Ignore them. (4)

7) Someone else's kid asks you for water. You...

A) Pretend to not hear him and continue talking to your new best friend about your upcoming colonoscopy. (2)
B) Tell them no, and advise them that life is full of disappointment. (5)
C) You let him borrow one of the three extra sippy cups you brought. (4)
D) You point at the water fountain. You shrug your shoulders when the kid says he can't reach it. (3)

8) What snacks do you bring for your kids?

A) I pack enough food to feed a large army. (4)
B) A portable cell phone charger. (1)
C) Whatever was on the counter. Juice boxes and beer nuts. (3)
D) None. That guarantees we'll leave faster. (5)

9) Your kid looks ready to pick up a stray dog turd. You...

A) Yell at your child to get the hell away from that thing. (5)
B) Get out your phone and Google "What happens if my kid eats a dog turd?" (1)
C) Let him go. Hopefully that will mean he never tries to do that again. (3)
D) You swoop in, push your child away, grab the turd with your bare hands and then throw it as far as you can. Realizing what you've done fall down to both knees and yell, "NOOOOO!" (4)

10) Your daughter asks you to push her on the swing. You...
A) Push with one hand and draft your fantasy football team or chat with another. (1)
B) Tell her no and that swings are dangerous. (4)
C) Get excited. That's the perfect place for other parents to get trapped in conversations. (2)
D) Tell her you'll do it for five minutes, hoping that some jackass doesn't corner you in a conversation. (3)

11) Another child calls your kid a name. You...
A) Use it as an excuse to have a conversation with that kid's parent. (2)
B) Don't hear it. You were too busy sorting your selfies from the previous day. (1)
C) You identify this as a teachable moment and give everyone a lecture on the importance of being nice at the park. (4)
D) You yell the child who called your kid a name, you yell at your kid for not sticking up for himself, and then you yell at the kid standing nearby who didn't do anything. No one escapes your wrath. (5)

12) How closely do you watch your kids?

A) My children have strict instructions to not bother me unless they are bleeding. (3)
B) I make some fantasy football trades, answer some work email, update my status on Facebook and put out a few tweets. When I'm not doing any of that, I watch them. (1)
C) Like a hawk. I'm ready to come in with Neosporin or a water bottle at a moment's notice. (4)
D) I don't. I'm here for the sunlight and adult conversation. (2)

13) If someone else punishes your kid you...
A) Yell at that parent until they stand down, and then you yell at your child about what the other person was punishing her for. (5)
B) Go back to sleep. (3)
C) Search Pinterest for cute Thank You card ideas. (1)
D) Thank them endlessly and then use that as an in to start talking to them about your aunt who passed away recent. (2)

14) If your kid tattled on someone else you would...
A) Shame him on Facebook. (1)
B) Have everyone hold hands and sing, We Are the World. (4)
C) Yell at him that no one likes a tattle-tale under the impression that will build his self-esteem. (5)
D) Quickly tell them to suck it up and run back to the person you were talking to. (2)

15) If your kid poops his diaper you...

A) Curse your spouse loudly. (5)
B) You change it. Even if it isn't your kid, you change them. (4)
C) Pretend that isn't your child. (3)
D) Take a picture and text it to your friends. (1)

16) If your phone rings you...
A) Answer it and yell, "What!?!" (5)
B) Ignore it. It's probably just someone wanting me to do something. (3)
C) Holy shit! A Person! (2)
D) I always answer my phone in case someone needs help. (4)

17) Do you take photos and videos of your kid at the park?
A) No. I'm too busy talking to other adults. (2)
B) No. I'm zoned out until one of my children yells my name and "bleeding" in the same sentence. (3)
C) Yes. I have 6 TB of kid pictures and videos at home. (4)
D) Yes, when I'm not taking selfies. (1)

18) Your kid reaches a park milestone, such as going across the monkey bars by herself. You...
A) Tweet about it. (1)
B) Tell the person you're talking to all about your child's athletic prowess. (2)
C) Get mad when you think about the cost of the doctor bill when she falls because she's taking more chances. (5)
D) Grunt. (3)

19) You look at going to the park as...

A) A way to get out of the house. (2)
B) Getting to look at your phone outside. (1)
C) An opportunity to yell at people outside. (5)
D) An opportunity to get your child valuable social exposure. At the same time you're scared she will get hurt. (4)

20) After an hour at the park you...
A) Have finished one episode of Game of Thrones on your phone. (1)
B) Yell at your child that time is up. You say that their mother made you leave. (5)
C) Remind your kids they can stay as long as they want as long as everyone is playing nicely. (4)
D) Are praying for death. (3)

Results: Add up the numbers associated with the answers you gave and see where your wife's mood grades out.

Number Total: 0-37
Cell Phone Parent
This parent is either a social media champion, workaholic, single or a sports or gossip junkie. They open the door to let their kids out of the car and don't look at them again until another parent taps them on the shoulder and says, "Sir, your son just finished eating one dog turd and is getting ready to start another." To which, Cell Phone Parent holds up his hand and says, "Just let me save this change I made to my fantasy football roster and I'll be right there."

Children of Cell Phone parents most often grow up to be fast food workers, homeless or the person who shaves dog testicles at the groomer.

Number Total: 38-52
Chatterbox Parent
These people talk like they're being paid to see how many words they can say in a row without stopping. And once they get rolling, there is no force on this earth that can shut them the f**k up. They're like a version of the Juggernaut where their power isn't superhuman strength, but rather superhuman lung capacity. A lot of these people are stay-at-home parents who haven't seen the sun for two weeks and smell like a diaper that someone left out in the sun on a Texas sidewalk. You can actually see them explode with excitement when they get out of their car and see living, breathing people. And they want to talk to you about everything from the Ebola crisis to the diaper they changed this morning where the turd was so big their still thinking about contacting the Vatican to see if it can be declared a miracle. And did you know their aunt died? And their hemorrhoids are flaring up again. Tread lightly around these people, as they're often one snide remark away from going postal.

Children of Chatterbox parents most often grow up to be broadcast/print journalists, car salesmen or Internet bloggers.

Number Total: 53-67
Just Leave Me Alone Parent
The parents go to the park just hoping to be left alone so they can sit on a bench and soak up sunlight and silence. They don't want to hear from their children unless someone needs to be taken to the hospital, and they don't want to be within earshot of your phone conversation with your doctor about your hemorrhoid flare up. If you invade their bubble they will start looking for a sharp wood chip to stab you with. These parents are natural enemies of Cell Phone parents.

Children of Just Leave Me Alone parents typically desk jockeys, toll collectors or a weather station scientists stationed in Antarctica.

Number Total: 68-82
Helicopter Parent
These people are like Batman, in that they're unstoppable force of good that people can't figure out. They're awesome at this parenting thing, just ask them. They know where every child is, what they're doing and seem to know what food allergies kids they don't even know have without ever being told. These people will stop your child from eating random dog turds and will fly out of nowhere to catch a falling child. They always have extra sippy cups of water and fruit pouches that they're willing to share. Oh, and they tell you your child pooped after they already changed the diaper for you. These parents can occasionally get annoying if you get one who also takes it upon himself to scold kids who aren't theirs, but that's a small price to pay for the other things they do. These parents often the only reason the children of Cell Phone parents live to adulthood.

Children of Helicopter parents often grow up to be doctors, lawyers, consultants or politicians.

Number Total: 83-96
Angry Parent
This parent has spent so much time yelling at their child that it's the only volume they have any more. Having a conversation with this person probably feels a lot like having a conversation with Sam Kinison or Gilbert Gottfried. And, surprise, they spend the bulk of their time at the park yelling at their children. There is no black and white with these people. They're like RoboCop, but with no gun and an insanely loud and annoying voice. Children of yelling parents are either numb to all the screaming and just go about their life, or spend their entire youth sitting still and messing themselves in fear that moving will get them yelled at.

Children of Angry parents most often grow up to be in the military, police, firemen or teachers.

1 comment:

  1. "f you invade their bubble they will start looking for a sharp wood chip to stab you with."