Friday, February 26, 2016

Five Lies About Having Kids

lies about kids

Not long after my oldest daughter turned 4, I'll never forget when she got up in my wife's face, slapped her, and told her to stop talking. If she were Adrian Peterson's child, he would have burned through every branch in a Texas-sized tree. After things settled down, we explained why what she did was wrong, and I explained that as her lawyer, I'd strongly advise she put that on her Shit-to-Never-Do-Again List. Because what my daughter didn't realize was that the angry and argumentative part of her little personality was still rocking a proverbial tricycle and she had only recently started exploring her dark side. Her mother, on the other hand, has been fine-tuning the Boss Bitch engine on her car for almost 40 years, and once she fires that up there aren't a whole lot of people I've seen who didn't get absolutely crushed.

I tell that story because moody toddlers are one of the things that all of the parenting books, magazines and websites prepare you for. It's unanimous. You may not know exactly when, but at some point you know your blessed and sweet little angel is going to turn into an asshole. Discussions about what they did or did not do will start to feel like you're dealing with a mini Donald Trump, complete with bad hair, poor grammar, occasional awkward facial expressions, and an ability to look at you with a straight face and deny doing or saying something you can show them video evidence they said or did.

However, there are other areas where the experiences and the advice vary a bit more across the board, and sometimes you may get some bum information. Here are some of the areas where I feel we were misled.

1) You need to breastfeed

One of the first people they send into the room after you have a baby is a lactation consultant -- a sort of nipple ninja, if you will. Whether she intends to or not, she adds fuel to the fire that is the general public opinion that you need to breastfeed your baby. And God help you if you tell anyone you're having problems breastfeeding, because the minute you do, everyone you know turns into a titty engineer. Everyone from neighbors, friends and family, to the sandwich guy in the cafeteria and the postal service woman who brings the mail. The weight of trying to force the breastfeeding issue absolutely crushed my wife, and as a result it caused everyone in our house to crank up the volume on their personal level of batshit crazy to 11. One of the best days of my life is when I came home from work and my wife said she was done trying to breastfeed. Good riddance. I never thought I'd be so happy to see her put her boobs away.

2) Babies will eat when they're hungry

Bullshit. You bunch of lying assholes. My extensive empirical research has shown this statement is 100% horseshit. Do you know what babies do when they're hungry? They cry. And do you know what babies do when they cry for an extended period of time? They inadvertently gag themselves. And do you know what small children who are crying and gagging themselves for an extended period of time do? They throw up. And do you know what comes after throwing up? They violently shit themselves. Have you ever had to change a shitty diaper on a baby who can't eat because she's yelling but won't stop yelling because she wants to eat? I'd rather be thrown into a gunny sack full of honey badgers than deal with that situation ever again. Everyone who's ever written these words should have to pee on an electric fence.

3) My kid was potty trained by age 2

Good for you. Congratulations that your child is a shit savant. You've dummied into the parental equivalent of a winning $1.5 billion lottery ticket or a mythical unicorn, and you should just shut up and be grateful because the odds are extremely small that the rest of us will ever get to experience this. The rest of us are just praying that our kids can fool everyone else into thinking they're potty trained long enough for us to send them to school so that someone else can deal with their shitastrophies.

4) You'll still be able to have a life

Have you seen what kids are charging for babysitting services these days? I did the math. The cost of a babysitter, dinner, movie, and snacks at the movie comes out to around $150. My wife likes to tell me I can squeeze a nickel until the buffalo craps, so that's just outside of my price range. So if you win Powerball you can afford to have a life after kids, but the rest of us are trapped in solitary confinement. Realistically you'll find yourself in a situation where you negotiate with your spouse for times when you can go out while they stay home with the kids. But be careful, because this is a costly compromise, and if you allow your spouse to build up too much marital currency you may find yourself at home for a week with your kids while she depletes the slush fund and jet sets to Paris.

5) You'll still have a sex life
Ha ha. Buy yourself a Powerball ticket. You'll have a better chance of getting lucky.

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