Monday, February 22, 2016

Brand Slogan Swap

Forbes recently released its yearly list of most powerful brands. The top 10 consisted of well-respected brands that most households just shovel money into on a weekly basis, such as Disney, LEGO, Nike and Johnson's. Reading that article made me think about all of the brands that didn't haven't done so hot recently, such as Hoverboard, Carnival Cruise Lines and Volkswagen, and even personal brands like Bill Cosby. I thought it would be funny to take successful slogans from successful companies and try to pair them with these struggling brands to more honestly communicate what they offer.

Enjoy :-)

bill cosby scandal

Slogan: Between love and madness lies obsession.
Old Brand: Calvin Klein
New Brand: Bill Cosby
Rationale: If Bill Cosby ever asks me to take this down I'm going to tell him I don't know what he's talking about. Deny, deny, deny.

ashley madison hack

Slogan: I am what I am.
Original Brand: Reebok
New Brand: Ashley Madison
Rationale: The recent hack showed that only 10,000 of the 5.5 million female accounts had ever responded to a message. Ever. If you're still using this site, then you are what you are: a stupid cheater.

carnival cruise problems

Slogan: When there is no tomorrow.
Old Brand: FedEx
New Brand: Carnival Cruise Lines
Rationale: The only thing going down faster than the elevators and engines on Carnival cruise ships are the prices. Carnival cruises are where retirees go to test their survival skills.

Volkswagen scandal

Slogan: Make believe.
Old Brand: Sony
New Brand: VW
Rationale: VW actually created software that detected when a car was being tested for emissions that result in the system showing a lower number so the car would pass the test. In the corporate world this is called putting a Band-Aid on a workaround, and it's generally the type of thing that gets you promoted. Unless you get caught. Then it gets you fired.

Slogan: Seafood Differently
Old Brand: Red Lobster
New Brand: Yum! Foods
Rationale: A Chinese meat supplier was caught routinely re-using meat that hit the factory floor, a few thousand people had illnesses that were traced back to this, and China has since turned its back on KFC, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell faster than Kanye West turned his back on Taylor Swift.

Slogan: Innovation
Old Brand: 3M
New Brand: Turing Pharmaceuticals
Rationale: It takes balls jack up the price of a drug that can save people's lives that's been around for 62 years by 5,500%, but they tried to do it.

donald trump president

Slogan: Stronger than dirt.
Old Brand: Ajax
New Brand: Donald Trump
Rationale: I have literally watched Donald Trump say something, have it re-played for him during a live TV interview the following day, and then flatly deny saying what he just watched himself say. And he's still the GOP front-runner for the presidential nomination. Glenn Beck recently said that God taking Antonin Scalia was his way of showing people that this country needs Ted Cruz. But I can't help but think if that's what God really wanted to happen, then maybe Ted's path to the nomination would have been a bit more clear if God had taken Donald Trump.

amazon employee treatment

Slogan: The greatest tragedy is indifference.
Old Brand: Red Cross
New Brand: Amazon
Rationale: I read in one article where Amazon's corporate work environment was like a real-life Hunger Games. People pass out so frequently in the warehouses on hot days that paramedics just keep some ambulances in the parking lot. So, yes, Walmart employees, it could be worse; you could work for Amazon.

hoverboard problems

Slogan: Be Stupid
Old Brand: Diesel Jeans
New Brand: Hoverboard
Rationale: Hoverboards are so unsafe that even the aforementioned Amazon doesn't want the blood money from Hoverboards on their hands. I don't even get the fascination because THEY DON'T EVEN HOVER! The Consumer Product Safety Commission is considering a full-blown recall because the devices are "prone to catching fire and exploding." Have fun. Morons.

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