Late last year we took our 3- and 5-year old daughters on a Disney cruise, and the only magic we experienced was that Disney made all of our money disappear and we all somehow avoided inadvertently taking a selfie stick up the ass by one of the GoPro-obsessed parents.
In the months leading up to our cruise we were looking for a way to illustrate for the girls all of the wonders and magic they would experience on the boat. So I searched YouTube and discovered that there are thousands of people who have unabashedly wielded a selfie stick, unknowingly knocking countless people off the side of the boat, in the name of capturing the perfect family video. Our kids became obsessed with one family video in particular: the Miller's.
Those lying assholes. Before we went on our Disney Cruise I felt like we knew them so well we should send them a Christmas card. Now that we're back and we know the truth, I feel like they owe me an apology. Because their 25-minute video gives you the impression of sunshine, wondrously happy children, glorious relaxation, and general awesomeness that only the House of Mouse can manufacture. But the reality is much different. I'm convinced that we got the only happy 25 minutes of their trip, and the other two days, 23 hours and 35 minutes were a raging dumpster fire.