Disney Cruise Disaster

Late last year we took our 3- and 5-year old daughters on a Disney cruise, and the only magic we experienced was that Disney made all of our money disappear and we all somehow avoided inadvertently taking a selfie stick up the ass by one of the GoPro-obsessed parents.

In the months leading up to our cruise we were looking for a way to illustrate for the girls all of the wonders and magic they would experience on the boat. So I searched YouTube and discovered that there are thousands of people who have unabashedly wielded a selfie stick, unknowingly knocking countless people off the side of the boat, in the name of capturing the perfect family video. Our kids became obsessed with one family video in particular: the Miller's.

Those lying assholes. Before we went on our Disney Cruise I felt like we knew them so well we should send them a Christmas card. Now that we're back and we know the truth, I feel like they owe me an apology. Because their 25-minute video gives you the impression of sunshine, wondrously happy children, glorious relaxation, and general awesomeness that only the House of Mouse can manufacture. But the reality is much different. I'm convinced that we got the only happy 25 minutes of their trip, and the other two days, 23 hours and 35 minutes were a raging dumpster fire.

SMSG 02: Baby Proofing Problems

Travis and Greg discuss their experiences baby proofing their homes.



Have you got a baby proofing story to share? We want to hear it! Share your baby proofing stories in the comments section.

Also, don't forget to visit the Facebook page for the band Poor Dirty Astronauts. If you're in the St. Louis metro area, make your way over to the Stagger Inn and hear PDA perform live.

All sound effects were sourced from Freesound.org and have a Creative Commons 0 license.

Daddy, We Had a Good Day (A Bad Day Poem)

SMSG 01: Feces Festival

Travis and Greg discuss the challenges of toilet training their children.



Have you got your own potty training story to share? We want to hear it! Share your stories about potty training in the comments section.

Visit the Facebook page for the band Poor Dirty Astronauts. If you're in the St. Louis metro area, make your way over to the Stagger Inn and hear PDA perform live.

All sound effects were sourced from Freesound.org and have a Creative Commons 0 license.

Back in My Day

My kids are currently 5 and 3. And the older they get, the more it stands out how their user experience for life will be much different from mine. So I made a list of all the things that would be different, and I imagined a conversation between myself and my girls about 10 years from now about those things.

Me: Oh wow. I found my box of old VHS tapes.
Daughter: What's a VHS tape?
Me: It's a cartridge they used to put movies on so people could buy them and watch them at home. You played them through a player that was connected to your TV.
Daughter: Like Roku?
Me: (Sigh) No, not like Roku. We didn't stream anything. There were no data clouds to pull content from and you had a dedicated player for your physical tapes.
Daughter: Wow. Did you at least hang your TV on your cave wall?
Me: Ha ha, smart ass. We didn't live in a cave. And no, no one hung their televisions back then because they were all too big and there were no flat-screen monitors.
Daughter: What's this Dinner Party II movie?
Me: Put that down! Don't look at that!
Daughter: Uh huh. So, how did you watch these VHS things on your cell phone? Did you have to hook it up with cables or something?
Me: Phones didn't play videos.
Daughter: (Gasp) So, if you couldn't stream anything directly to your TV and if your phones couldn't play videos, what did you watch Netflix on?
Me: Netflix didn't really catch on until I was out of college, honey, and when they started, they sent you DVDs that you could exchange through the mail via the US Postal Service.
(Her mind is blown and she can't comprehend any of this.)
Daughter: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. What's a DVD? What's the US Postal Service?