Monday, September 15, 2014

Rise of the Elegant Stinkhorn

"There are giant, red dicks coming up all over the back yard," my wife said nonchalantly. "I need you to take care of it."

Always armed with a smart-ass remark, and refusing to believe that there was a naked herd of rogue neanderthals running amok and pleasuring themselves all over our back yard, I said, "Well, it sounds like they're doing just fine taking care of themselves. Maybe it will help the grass grow back in the bare spot in the middle of the yard."

She wasn't impressed.

She did validate my assumption that the red dicks we were being attacked by were not guys running around our back yard with smartphones working their way through the naked Kate Upton photos hijacked from the ever-mysterious iCloud and spread across the Interwebs. Instead, we had a healthy amount of large, red fungi popping up all over the place that just happened to look like giant, red penises. And the scientific name for these large, red, wanger-looking fungi? Elegant Stinkhorn. I'm convinced these things were put on this planet to prove that scientists had a sense of humor. It was like Father Christmas came early (pun intended) when he put red dick hill in my back yard, giving me my own little comedic gem ripe for the dicking. I even got lost thinking up prospective blog titles that played on movies or TV shows: 20 Dick Jump Street, Old Red Dick, Die Hard: Red Dick, The Wiener Games: Catching Red Dicks, Red Dick Tracy, Flower Wars: Red Dicks Strike Back, 300 Red Dicks, The Mighty Red Dicks, The Walking Red Dicks, How to Train Your Red Dicks, Lord of the Red Dicks, Frozen: Red Dicks, The Fast and the Furious Red Dicks, Finding Red Dicks, Despicable Red Dicks, Breaking Red Dicks and on, and on, and on. I could have literally dicked around with those all day.

Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)
Elegant Stinkhorn Invasion
I'm already thinking of how I can incorporate the Elegant Stinkhorn into an appropriately-vague answer for my children when they start asking where babies come from at a young age. Right now that answer would be: "Well honey, a daddy and mommy decide one day that they want to be broke, sleep deprived, smell like shit, have all of their nice shit destroyed and yell at each other about stupid shit for the rest of their lives, and then daddy stabs mommy with his Elegant Stinkhorn and boom, nine months later a baby is born and everyone is miserable and crying."

But seriously, I've got two young daughters, so my life's mission is to keep them away from boys and their penises, or anything that remotely looks like a penis, for as long as God will allow. As a result, an army of wieners popping up in my backyard overnight is my worst nightmare. So with that as our mission, and given the striking resemblance between male genitalia and the Elegant Stinkhorn, if you're in the thrust of a Stinkhorn invasion, here are some ideas for handling them:

1) Extreme Cold or Hot Water Mixed with Bleach: The exposure to the extreme temperatures will result in the Elegant Stinkhorn experiencing an intense case of shrinkage, shriveling up and dying shortly thereafter. This approach means you won't actually have to jerk the Stinkhorn off the top of the ground, which means you won't have to worry about shaking off any Stinkhorn seed. Taking this approach reduces the risk that the Elegant Stinkhorn will keep coming up in your yard again and again.

2) Whacking: Give the Elegant Stinkhorn the Bobbitt treatment and whack it off. However, be warned that furious whacking can result in the spores spreading across a larger area. As a result, whack slowly to restrict the spores that will shake out to a restricted area. You could also put a bag over the Elegant Stinkhorn prior to whacking to prevent the Stinkhorn seed from flying all over the place.

3) Waiting (The Cousin Eddy Approach): This is similar to letting a dog finish humping your leg after he's started. To their credit, the large, red wieners in our back yard stayed erect through the night, but shriveled up the next day. So if you can lay low and avoid going outside over the course of about 24 hours, you can avoid contact with the flock of unwanted, red, penis lookalikes. The down side is that you're essentially allowing the dick imitators to spread their demon seed, increasing your exposure to another Elegant Stinkhorn onslaught.

4) Use Your Hands: Start from the base of the Elegant Stinkhorn and gently stroke upward. Stinkhorns often come up quickly, as there are no roots. However, some Elegant Stinkhorns may be held down by branches, leaves, dirt or other obstacles, and my require significant tugging to get them off the ground.

Just don't mistakenly put Miracle Gro on a group of Elegant Stinkhorn, as they may turn into Teenage Mutant Ninja Red Dicks, and nobody wants that.

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