Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Westboro Baptist Church Protesting Big Tech

The Westboro Baptist Church has announced that it's going to be picketing the biggest technology companies in Silicon Valley on August 12, which means that one of the stupidest groups in this country will be squaring off against one of the smartest. Do you know those warnings on the side of citronella jugs that say "Warning! Don't Consume" that cause you to ask yourself who the hell would consume citronella? Well, those warnings were created for the Westboro Baptist Church. This should be a more lopsided fight than when Larry Holmes beat the hell out of Muhammad Ali in 1978 and felt so bad about it that he cried afterward.

Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)
Maybe Westboro was mad they invested in the Twitter IPO.
And of course Westboro has a good reason to protest, right? They could be mad about the Facebook Internet outage or the delays of the iPhone 6 rollout and iWatch, or maybe they invested heavily in Twitter at the IPO and they're just upset they haven't made their money back. Maybe they finally snapped after being mocked endlessly on Reddit.

Nope. In general, Westboro Baptist Church is mad at Big Tech for "spreading the sodomite agenda."
I promise you I'm not making this up. It sounds like someone had a Richard Gere gerbil joke show up one too many times in their Facebook Newsfeed and they got all bent out of shape about it (pun intended). They can save themselves the trip to Silicon Valley, unfriend the offender and re-friend Richard Gere, because the gerbil thing is an urban legend -- I think. Alright maybe it isn't, but who cares.

They're also upset that these companies aren't using their products or their money to do more to promote Christianity. If I can be allowed to interpret, Westboro isn't smart enough to build anything that people want to use that it can promote its agenda through, but it wants to tell people who worked hard to build their companies from the ground up, and make a lot of money from other people bec
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)
According to the Westboro Baptist Church, God hates this blog.
ause those people really like the products they've created, to use their money and their products to support and drive the Westboro agenda so that everyone can be brainwashed into thinking that Westboro is right. I may be mistaken, but the last guy who succeeded in a mission similar to this one was a guy by the last name of Hitler who killed 11 million people and almost blew up the f*cking planet, so you'll have to excuse me for being a bit resistant.

I'm not saying Jesus isn't a good personal investment, but rather that Jesus isn't a good corporate investment. Could you imagine if Steve jobs were alive today and you walked into an Apple boardroom and said, "Steve, I think we could make a lot more money if we cut iPhone production in half and used that money to build a church on our campus." He would take off his Apple Watch, kick you in the iBalls, beat you to death with an iPad and bury you under a pile of iMacs; he'd have beat you far worse than he ever dreamed of beating any Adobe executive. The Westboro Baptist Church people will be lucky if he doesn't descend from the heavens and do just that on August 12.

And with Westboro really starting to resurface after Fred Phelps died 84 years too late (on the International Day of Happiness, mind you), I can't help but feel like it's a testament to the tolerance of people in this country that these jokers are still around. If a group of people had picketed a military funeral in the 1920's, the mobs would have taken it upon themselves to see that they were drawn, quartered, burned, and then had a party where people got drunk and peed on the ashes, because while mobsters were immoral, a lot of them were intensely patriotic.

In light of this little Westboro resurgence, I've got a few suggestions for President Obama that could really do wonders for his approval ratings. The first option is to make Westboro Baptist Church part of the package when we finally ship Justin Beiber back to Canada; two birds, one stone. Another option is to annex the area where the Westboro Baptist Church folks live so that it's no longer a part of this country, and then test weapons there to the point where we turn it into a crater.

That may make for a bit of a lopsided fight, but I don't think anyone would shed any tears.

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