Thursday, August 21, 2014

Candy Crushed or: Siri Sucks

Candy Crush invites are the herpes of the online universe: you only get them from people you're close to, they flare up sporadically, and there is no painless way to truly get rid of them.

Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)
How I feel about Candy Crush invites.
Do you people actually think I just missed the other 300 messages you sent? There should be a little warning that pops up before you send the invite out to your entire friend list for the tenth time that says, "You're about to send this to everyone you know for the tenth time, which may result in them thinking you're an asshole." After you get that warning, the name of the Send Candy Crush Invite to All button just says: Press Here to be an Asshole.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I'm the same breed of asshole because I beat you over the head with my blog on Facebook and Twitter and any other social media site I can get my grubby little hooks into, and I'd argue that's not true. With Candy Crush, you're trying to sell me a pile of poo that looks the same each time, whereas with my blog, I'm trying to sell you a unique and differently shaped pile of poo each time.

If I had to put dollars to doughnuts, I'd bet that the same people who don't even blink before hitting the Press Here to be an Asshole button on Candy Crush are the same people who hit Reply All on every single mass email in Corporate America. They reply to the mass emails that announce that Coworker X's last day will be Tuesday with something to the effect of, "That's sad. I watched his cat while he went on vacation once," which serves as the catalyst for a perfect storm. This draws out the uppity corporate email police who hit Reply All and politely ask the offender who initially hit Reply All to not use the Replay All button in these types of situations, and it also draws out the instigators who hit Replay All and ask whether it was the brown cat or the black cat in an effort to keep the conversation going. If I had my druthers, Outlook would detect people who abused the Reply All button, and on the third offense Chuck Norris would appear out of nowhere and roundhouse kick those idiots out of existence.

Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)
There are a few key traffic areas Apple Maps doesn't
know about in North Carolina -- like interstates.
For me, Candy Crush has essentially done the same thing to Facebook that Apple Maps has done to the iPhone, in that it's a dysfunctional part of a larger thing that works really well. For example, I was in Texas for work a few months ago and I was trying to find one of my company's buildings that we own and don't share with anyone else, and Apple Maps took me to a porn store in the ghetto. And the problem is that Siri doesn't tell you that Apple Maps has no clue where it's taking you; she just dumps you at what Apple Maps feels is the closest location. I'm convinced that combining Siri and Apple Maps to give directions is like combining two of the worst aspects of myself and my wife. Apple Maps is like me, in that any directions that I think I know are always wrong, but I wander along feeling like I'm genuinely doing the right thing, and Siri is like my wife, in that she knows she's wrong, she just doesn't admit it and doesn't change course. She has a disease that doesn't allow her to string words together that make it remotely sound like she's admitting she was wrong.

Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)
North Carolina: First in Flight, Last in Apple Maps.
I was in North Carolina last week for work and I landed at Raleigh/Durham International Airport. I hopped in my rental car and plugged my destination into Apple Maps. Immediately after I got out of the rental car lot, Siri started to sound like she was choking on a falafal and caused me to almost drive through a barricade. After she seemingly got her shit together, she drove me in an almost-complete circle around the entire airport and then planted me in a parking garage. It was like she threw up a white flag and said, "We're lost and we need to hang out here until we can get this figured out." Needless to say, after Siri and Apple Maps gave me an unexpected tour of where they filmed Deliverance, I switched to Google Maps and wasn't taken to any more locations where I felt compelled to double-check that I had both a tire iron and a spare tireI did come up with a new state motto that I think will work well on North Carolina license plates: First in Flight, Last in Apple Maps.

Long story short, if you get hit with a bout of the herp in North Carolina, don't punch the address of the nearest Urgent Care into Apple Maps; you'll only stand to expose yourself to a smorgasbord of new diseases that not even Chuck Norris can cure.

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