Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Feces Festival

It's kind of silly when you think about how irrationally excited parents get when children accomplish something as basic as shitting in a bowl. When you take into account that it takes us between three and four years to master the art of shitting in a bowl and then wiping ourselves, it looks like a Christmas miracle that we're not only the dominant species on this planet, but that we live, on average, to be 85. Most baby animals are walking within seconds, and most cats are licking their ass in a matter of weeks.

For nearly four years we've been swimming in human excrement, and the last couple of weeks at our house have been a veritable feces festival. We had a kind-of brown theme before having children that's magically spread (pun intended) to other parts of the house since the kids have been born, and it isn't paint that's responsible for the added color. There's so much shit in the living room carpet that if you strike a match in our living room it will burst into flames.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Candy Crushed or: Siri Sucks

Candy Crush invites are the herpes of the online universe: you only get them from people you're close to, they flare up sporadically, and there is no painless way to truly get rid of them.

Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)
How I feel about Candy Crush invites.
Do you people actually think I just missed the other 300 messages you sent? There should be a little warning that pops up before you send the invite out to your entire friend list for the tenth time that says, "You're about to send this to everyone you know for the tenth time, which may result in them thinking you're an asshole." After you get that warning, the name of the Send Candy Crush Invite to All button just says: Press Here to be an Asshole.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

The Five Types of Parents You See at the Park

Being the parents of two small girls, I spend a lot of time at the park. I'm sure most of the people who see me at the park on a regular basis ask themselves why I drive five minutes to the park, only to yell at my kids for an hour and then drive back home. It's not that I don't love my children (precious, loving, beautiful little life-sucking angels that they are), but rather that's just the type of park parent that I am; I yell to get their attention when they're doing something they shouldn't be, which just so happens to be all of the time. After nearly four years of living the dad life and spending nearly a thousand hours at parks watching my kids play on equipment that probably wouldn't be approved for use on a Ninja Warrior or military obstacle course, I've created a list of the 5 types of parents you'll see at the park.

1) Cell Phone Parent: This parent is either a social media champion, workaholic, single or a sports or gossip junkie. They open the door to let their kids out of the car and don't look at them again until another parent taps them on the shoulder and says, "Sir, your son just finished eating one dog turd and is getting ready to start another." To which, Cell Phone Parent holds up his hand and says, "Just let me save this change I made to my fantasy football roster and I'll be right there."

Children of these types of parents most often grow up to be fast food workers, homeless or the person who shaves dog testicles at the groomer.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Westboro Baptist Church Protesting Big Tech

The Westboro Baptist Church has announced that it's going to be picketing the biggest technology companies in Silicon Valley on August 12, which means that one of the stupidest groups in this country will be squaring off against one of the smartest. Do you know those warnings on the side of citronella jugs that say "Warning! Don't Consume" that cause you to ask yourself who the hell would consume citronella? Well, those warnings were created for the Westboro Baptist Church. This should be a more lopsided fight than when Larry Holmes beat the hell out of Muhammad Ali in 1978 and felt so bad about it that he cried afterward.

Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)
Maybe Westboro was mad they invested in the Twitter IPO.
And of course Westboro has a good reason to protest, right? They could be mad about the Facebook Internet outage or the delays of the iPhone 6 rollout and iWatch, or maybe they invested heavily in Twitter at the IPO and they're just upset they haven't made their money back. Maybe they finally snapped after being mocked endlessly on Reddit.

Nope. In general, Westboro Baptist Church is mad at Big Tech for "spreading the sodomite agenda."

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Facebook Down

This past Friday Facebook conducted its largest underground emotional study ever, attempting to make everyone in the world angry at the same time. Mission accomplished, Facebook. The only time I could imagine seeing my wife more angry is if I came back from a physical and told her the doctor thought I had a good chance of living to be 150.

For those of you who may not have heard because you actually prefer eye contact or human touch, Facebook was down for about 20 minutes last Friday, and in those 20 minutes you'd think the digital apocalypse had hit. CNN flashed a poll shortly after the outage was discovered showing that 75% of the nation blamed President Obama, who was already on the phone with Mark Zuckerberg asking, "WTF, yo?" Zuckerberg said that he'd work on fixing the outage after he finished counting his money.