My wife, myself and some of our friends ran the Warrior Dash this past Saturday, and Wednesday was the first day I didn’t limp up the stairwell at work while fighting back tears. I spent the first half of this week walking in such an awkward manner that I was waiting for someone in my department to throw a frozen bag of peas on my desk and ask how my vasectomy went.
If you don't know what Warrior Dash is, good for you. Stop reading this blog post now and send me an e-mail thanking me for saving you about $200, your pride and full use of your legs for one additional week this year. For those of you with a mild disregard for your life, Warrior Dash is a 3.4 mile run through a hilly, muddy cow pasture littered with about 12 obstacles: climbing walls, cargo nets, guys wearing Speedo shorts two sizes too small, fire pits, mud pits and Marky Mark lookalikes walking the course because they forgot that getting oxygen to all those muscles is an obstacle in and of itself. When we finished, we limped over to the beer tent and then went down to watch everyone else who wished they were dead wade through the mud pit and cross the finish line, including a guy dressed like the Dirt Cheap Chicken. In spite of the pain, it was a pretty fun weekend. But being manly men, we have to keep going one step further until we’re up to our eyeballs in quicksand before we think about tapping the brakes.
If you don't know what Warrior Dash is, good for you. Stop reading this blog post now and send me an e-mail thanking me for saving you about $200, your pride and full use of your legs for one additional week this year. For those of you with a mild disregard for your life, Warrior Dash is a 3.4 mile run through a hilly, muddy cow pasture littered with about 12 obstacles: climbing walls, cargo nets, guys wearing Speedo shorts two sizes too small, fire pits, mud pits and Marky Mark lookalikes walking the course because they forgot that getting oxygen to all those muscles is an obstacle in and of itself. When we finished, we limped over to the beer tent and then went down to watch everyone else who wished they were dead wade through the mud pit and cross the finish line, including a guy dressed like the Dirt Cheap Chicken. In spite of the pain, it was a pretty fun weekend. But being manly men, we have to keep going one step further until we’re up to our eyeballs in quicksand before we think about tapping the brakes.
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How to Train for Tough Mudder |
And how do you train for something like Tough Mudder? I figure I could attach a remote control leg to the front of a treadmill and program it to kick randomly. Then I'd douse myself in water, hook some jumper cables up to my car and then hook the other end of the jumper cables to my nipples. I'd start running and after a few minutes I'd have my wife start the car. If I live through more than five seconds of that without convulsing on the floor in a pile of my own excrement, I'll have to deal with the random shots to the nuts coming from the robotic leg directly in front of me. I figure after I build myself up to handle about two hours of that at a time, I think I'll be ready for the Tough Mudder.
Because I'm an idiot, I've already committed to doing Tough Mudder in November in Indiana with some friends. Our wives, however, are likely out for the race, but you can probably find them at the finish line with cameras, shirts that say "I'm with stupid" and bags of frozen peas.
HAha! Its definitely a painful fun. But really, I wouldn't love living without some excitement and spice in life through obstacle races like this.
ReplyDeleteSounds fun!
ReplyDeleteI ache just reading this. My fiance wants to do the Warrior Dash, I'll have to shoot him a link to your recap.
ReplyDeleteMy mom has a friend who is a recovering alcholic who merely turned her addiction away from alcohol and toward running. She does those insane 100 mile runs now!
Ever read Ultra Marathon Man by Dean Karnazes? It's fascinating. If you like to read, you should check it out.
Hats off to you mate. I mean that. I feel your pain reading this even though I'm over the Ocean here in Blighty. You write really well and I love reading your posts. Keep going mate. Cheers.
ReplyDeleteIan-Luke, London, UK
And oi you... not all us Brits are drunk, tho we are sometimes nicer when we are....
ReplyDeleteRan the half-marathon Tough Mudder last year and the Spartan Race this year. Both challenging in their own ways. What's life without a little bit of pain so that you can enjoy sitting in your air conditioned home afterwards, typing out a blog on a sleep MacBook.... right? :)
ReplyDeleteThis is the unforgetable painful ever happend but as a warrior you are facing too much like that, expected.
ReplyDeletesally...
ReplyDelete