Sunday, May 15, 2011

A Word of Advice to the Paperboy Who Forgot My Wife's Coupons

Dear Paperboy,

We all make mistakes. I am sympathetic to your cause and I understand that my wife just signed up for the Sunday edition of the St. Louis Post Dispatch this week. However, she only subscribes to the paper for the coupons that you forgot to drop off today -- Saturday.

I have done about as much as I can do. I hid the knives and any other sharp objects I could think of that are laying around the house. We don't own a gun (lucky you) and I don't think she knows anyone in the area who has one (again, lucky you). I have a friend who is a Navy SEAL, but he charges more than she can afford for mercenary work. In a further effort to protect both myself and you, I am pretending to share my anger at you with her. I will occasionally say things such as, "I bet that little bugger did it on purpose," "You're right, if we lived in Texas we could get this handled the right way," and "I bet he's selling the coupons on the side." I can tell you that if she ever gets a hold of you, you will be taken out Braveheart style, except you probably won't be able to yell "Freedom!" at the end.

Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)
My wife preparing to talk with the paperboy.
You should also realize that I'm not so much doing any of this for you so much as I am me. Ever since TLC introduced Extreme Couponing into our lives, she's been absolutely nuts. The show has caused her to think that having 8,000 tubes of toothpaste, 4,000 things of deodorant and a never-ending supply of Mentos on hand at all times is the key to eternal happiness. I walked into my office yesterday to find that one of my lower shelves is now home to about 150 rolls of toilet paper. I'm pro toilet paper. I think everyone should have 10-15 rolls on hand at all times, but this is outrageous. I bet you're asking yourself, "So why does this idiot want me to bring the coupons if he doesn't want this crap in his house." This is where you have a lot to learn about marriage. It's psychological. If she goes through the coupons right away, I'm screwed. However, if she picks the coupons up and walks away from them, I can quickly sift out the ones that look dangerous and throw them away before she knows they were ever there. Of course I have to leave some of them, but some of them can go.

You should know that she has already chewed out three customer service reps and a manager. I don't know if it was the manager or one of the reps, but I definitely heard someone through the phone crying and yelling something to the effect of, "I'm so sorry! Please don't burn down my home! I still live with my mother!" I hope it wasn't your manager. If it was your manager, he needs to grow a spine and you need to find a different job. You should also know that she referred to you as a "selfish turd" twice and a "witless mudhare."

Also, while I suspect you don't care about any of this, I felt you should be aware that my wife has also uncovered your name and address. Your manager turned you over so my wife could "go and pick up her paper." Again, continuing to work for this gentleman is probably not wise. I would advise that you put the coupon packet at the end of your driveway and that you and your family take up refuge in a hotel for a few days. She is a crafty lock picker. I would recommend throwing out any food upon returning to your house. Because while she may set up shop there and wait for you for a day or two, she can't stay there forever, as she is a stay-at-home mom and I need to go to work at some point. You get the drift. She loves animals, so if you have any pets they may be shaved, but I don't believe any real harm will come to them.

Best of luck to you. I need to get back to cursing your name and pretending to care about this unfortunate situation. Also, you should probably get moving, as she left the house five minutes ago.

All the best,



  1. I seen your post in the forum and posted about the show extreme couponing, prior to following the link here. ;) Cute story! :)

  2. Very funny! I don't care much about coupons, but I hate running out of things. My wife has to restrain me at Walmart. She is gentle about it.

  3. Hi Travis,

    First off, I see where you are trying to be funny and I always appreciate a good sense of humor! A statement recently released by TLC states that this show was never meant to be a tutorial, it was meant to focus on "behaviors" of so-called extreme couponers. This show is NOT realistic, the stores featured on the show bent their own policies to allow filming to take place. Many people get upset when they can't save 95% on their groceries.

    Secondly, I'm sure you've figured out that the St. Louis Post Dispatch doesn't release coupons in the Saturday edition, they come out nearly every Sunday with the exception of holiday weekends.

    The thing that concerns me the most about your blog is your wife "chewing out" customer service reps/managers. I have been couponing for many years, unfortunately this show has brought on a new wave of couponers who feel a sense of entitlement and that the behaviors featured in this show is normal. Bullying cashiers/managers only gives us couponers a bad name. If I ever treated people that way, my significant other would hide in the car or never shop with me again. My reputation as an ethical couponer is important to me.

    I'm not trying to pick on you, I found your blog humorous and have considered it sharing it on my page, our focus is on ethical practical couponing, far from extreme. Things will get better as she gets her system set up and more organized (I promise)!

    Take Care,


  4. Hi Michelle,

    I don't know if you'll make it back to here, but I just wanted to say thanks for the comment. I posted on your Facebook page, but it limits me to 1000 characters, and as you can probably tell, I like to talk :-) Thanks for the information. I didn't know that and will share it with my wife. Second, in St. Charles County the coupons come on Saturday. I know on the Illinois side the coupons come on Sunday, but in St. Charles County the coupons come on Saturday. Third, she was not as mad as I made her out to be, but she was upset she was paying for a service she wasn't getting and that she kept getting brushed off. I think it was a fair and natural reaction.

    Either way, if you'd still like to post the blog link on your page it would be more than appreciated. Feel free to add any disclaimers :-)



  5. Very funny!! Thanks for the laugh.

  6. Hilarious and I can totally RELATE! So funny.

  7. I haven't reached the stage where I want to yell at anyone, but I have been bummed that the coupons didn't come in the paper (It's free and it arrives on my doorstep so I can't complain). Great story -- WRITE MORE!

  8. Hi Julie,

    Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad you liked it. I write as often as I can, lol, but I make every effort to update this site on a weekly basis. A tech site asked me to write a column for them, so that's where some of my newer blogs are coming from, but I plan to start adding more personal stories again in the not-too-distant future. I also plan on starting to market myself to papers who may be interested in picking me up as a column. A person can dream, lol.

    Thanks again!


  9. Just found this tonight and my hubby and I laughed our butts off. He says you and him could get along great!