Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Why I Smell Funny

"Maggie crapped on your pillow."

There are about 10,000 other things I'd rather have heard from my wife while I was out of town for work, like: "We're gonna need to save for a new vacuum cleaner," "The little monster across the street is using your brand new car as a backstop for his baseball," or "I'm leaving you for the local Walmart greeter."

You never want to hear that one of your three cats has gone rogue and deposited something that looks like six Lincoln Logs wrapped together on anything you own, let alone where you rest your head at night. Because I'm a nice guy, I gave Maggie the benefit of the doubt, even though there are two distinct ways to tell if she is the culprit: 1) if it looks like an elephant broke into your house and crapped on the floor, or 2) when you come home and Maggie isn't in her typical spot on the living room couch or in the bedroom, but rather hiding under the center of the bed -- perfectly out of reach. But Maggie didn't get a chance to run that time, because my wife saw the bushy bandit committing the crime, which pretty much sealed the deal.

Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)
It's not every day the cat poops on your pillow.
I then asked my wife if she punished Maggie, her little bundle of joy, after she caught her. Normally my wife is all about capital punishment. She's not a gambler, but if the state of Missouri sold raffle tickets to see who got to flip the switch at an electrocution, she'd probably buy a few. She said she tried to punish Maggie, but she couldn't help laughing about the matter the entire time she was doing it. I can only imagine that the beating hardly amounted to more than a rigorous petting between fits of laughter, and probably ended with her laughing so hard that she wet herself.

But my wife must have done something, because since that dark day Maggie has not used my pillow as her own personal dumping ground; however, she will randomly refuse to poop in the litterbox and she has peed on everything I own at least three times. Obviously, Maggie did not want me moving in with her protector, and she can usually be caught displaying her discontent with the current living situation by urinating on any of my clothes laying unattended on my bathroom floor between 6 p.m. and 6:30 a.m., and on those very special days, she pees in my office.

One night I placed some clean clothes on my office couch. A few hours later I grabbed a pair of shorts out of the pile and wore them around that evening. While my wife and I were downstairs watching a movie, I couldn't help but notice the smell of cat urine had been lingering. I asked my wife if she smelled it. She said no. I made a few laps around the basement and smell was everywhere. Usually the smell just rests in one place, but the entire downstairs was rank. I went back over to my wife and declared that somehow, over the course of the last half an hour, one of the cats managed to pee on every nook, every corner, and on every thread of carpet in the basement. She started sniffing, and then declared, "I think it's your shorts." Sure enough, they were slightly damp, and in the hour that I left my previously clean shorts unattended, Maggie had taken it upon herself to urinate all over them.

We have tried every remedy that PetSmart has to offer, every Internet solution I can find, and every brand of Febreze at Schnucks -- I have even tried being nice to the lousy creature -- but nothing seems to work. I've done everything short of calling Cesar Millan to see if he has any suggestions for cat owners.

So until we get this problem fixed, I'll be the guy walking around and smelling like cat pee. And with my luck Maggie will probably outlive me -- and pee on my grave when I die.


  1. Haha! Oh... That brings back horrible memories. I moved in with a friends family right after getting out of highschool. That first night I woke up thinking, "man, that paper mill is really stinking it up tonight!"

    The next morning at coffee, while waiting for my friend to finish getting ready for work, his wife looks at me concerned and says, "What's that on your leg?"

    Turns out their cat decided to protest my invasion of his home by taking a delightful poop on my shin. (If ever there was a time I wished I had shaved my legs...)

    Your story at least confirms I am not the only perpetual target of cats' animosity.

  2. Thanks, cbeck. I'm pretty much the bane of that cat's existence, lol. The cat has pretty much been miserable since I came into the picture. I wrote this last year, and things have gotten better since then.

  3. The thing is, given that the cat is the only domestic pet that toilet trains itself you damn well know when they do stuff like this that unless they are shut in a room it is very very intentional.

    Cats and prisoners....love a dirty protest.

    A few years ago I had a job that meant I was away for a week at a time. The first 3 or 4 times I cam home to find a poo in the middle of my bed. After that I put a lock on the door.

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  5. hiliarous and well written. I have similar problems with my cat on occasion, but mostly my dog...he likes to hump any male that comes within 10 feet of me to show his dominance.

  6. Great post! Very funny. I had a similar situation at work one morning. My cat peed on my shoes and I couldn't figure out where the smell was coming from. Once I figured it out, I took an early lunch to go home and change... Ugh!

  7. Rose: When the dog starts humping the cat, you may have a problem.

  8. Oh my goodness, this is hilarious! Kudos to you for still keeping the cat around. I don't know if I would have handled it so well. :)

  9. My sympathies with you and hope things get better. The post is really hilarious!!

  10. We have 4 cats. 1 of them pees in my dad's office--that's her litterbox. After a few months, we got sick of it and now she's not allowed in the house AT ALL.

    Problem solved.

  11. sounds like my house, but it's the dogs blaming me for the fart smells .. great blog an a great post - cheers

  12. great blog! Im new to this but I love to write and actually just wrote my first blog. So I am going through others and this is very entertaining and well written!

  13. hahahahahahaha I have two hair balls myself they certainly know how to tell a person off! Great blog.