Thursday, June 23, 2016
Dear 21-year-old Self:
Enjoy the relative ease with which you can put on socks. This only gets more difficult as time goes on.
Hold your nose and buy Apple stock. That Steve Jobs fellow is really on to something with that iPod thing.
There's a thing called Facebook coming right around the corner. The temptation is going to be strong to post drunk party pictures on there. Don't do it.
Strong work ethic = good
Blondes = bad
All that money you spent buying DVDs and CDs was a waste.
Don't break up with women via email.
Don't snort powdered sugar.
Float trips are fun. Float trips without water shoes are still fun, but much more painful.
No one thinks your car stereo with the remote control is cool. Idiot.
I know you don't fancy yourself to be a romantic, but you're considerably less romantic than you think.
Seriously, you're not romantic.
Do the world a favor and stop wearing your hat backwards.
You do not need to bench press a Cadillac. Let's up the cardio and try living longer.
If someone offers you a cup of purple drink and you didn't make it, turn that shit down. Nothing good comes from purple drink.
Stop dancing. If women flock to you on a dance floor it's only because they're worried you're having a seizure.
There are ugly strippers.
You can't hide in school forever.
When a cop pulls you over for speeding and asks if you realized you were going 80, it's neither funny nor acceptable to say, "Well, yeah. The truck shuts down at 85."
Buckle your seat belt.
Drink more water.
You can over-water a cactus.
Don't ask a woman if she wants wine and then bring her a bottle of Mad Dog. Just don't.
There is no money working in radio.
There is even less money working at a newspaper.
There is even less money than that working for a not-for-profit agency.
Not-for-profit agencies are all kinds of scandalous.
Continue to be curious. That will be your strongest trait.
You will have a bad track record with blue trucks.
That spring break trip to Texas you'll take is a good idea, but pick better tattoos and avoid the ear ring. Actually, disregard the tattoos as well, as you'll probably make the same or worse shitty choices.
Call your parents more. Take advantage of the time you have with them, and find the time to record a conversation with them.
Play more fussball.
Stay away from Jack Daniels.
Stay away from Jim Beam.
Stay away from Jagermeister.
Eject yourself from all situations that involve tequila.
To keep things simple it's probably best that you stay away from anything you can't get in a can with an alcohol content higher than 6.5%.
Let's throttle that down to 6%, just to be safe.
Do not take cold medicine and then drink. I'm not saying this will help you avoid a tragic incident where you end up arm wrestling yourself, but it may help you avoid a tragic incident where you end up arm wrestling yourself. Do with that knowledge what you will.
Read the Wall Street Journal. There aren't a lot of of stupid or broke people who read the Wall Street Journal on a regular basis.
One of your bosses will try and illustrate exactly how uncultured you are by asking you to name a Russian composer whose last name begins with "T." Let's break out Tchaikovsky and blindside that motherfucker this time.
Don't be afraid to visit other parts of the country.
Know when you're calling someone in a different time zone, especially if there is a big internship on the line.
Spend more time with your sister. You've only got one.
That late-night swim is a bad idea.
There is no job waiting for you after college.
The end of Lost is disappointing.
Embrace your mistakes as a learning opportunity rather than getting butt-hurt and complaining.
Not every hit is a home run.
Some home runs look like ugly hits.
Fruit Loops are not a food group. Give actual fruit a chance.
Vitamins. Take them.
You really wanna know what impresses women? A job.
I repeat, do not take cold medicine and then drink.
No one cares about your column. For the love of God, stop crying and get over it.
Write down that dirty joke that Ernie Hays told you about the Marlboro Man. I remember thinking it was really funny, but I can't remember it.
You can save yourself a lot of headaches at work by making sure you're always clear about who, what, where, when, how, and why. This also applies to relationships.
If you're comfortable in your job then you've been there for too long.
Never trust a person who says they're an expert.
Even if that person is an expert, it doesn't mean they're right.
Older doesn't always mean smarter; youth doesn't always equal inexperience; rich doesn't always mean wise; poor doesn't always equal miserable; and making assumptions virtually always makes an ass out of you and me. A wise man will beat that into your head.
Don't take any shit.
You only have so much time.
Live action Batman movies don't end with George "Nipples on the Bat Suit" Clooney, however his film does kill them for 10 years.
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Recently my wife and I switched responsibilities, and I took our 5-year-old daughter to her ice skating class with her sister in tow. All was good. We rolled down the windows and rocked out to Kidz Bop and its infectious blends of "Worth It" and "Bad Blood," got to the rink on time and got our ice skates on without any tears, and all without the 3-year-old dropping a crap grenade. #smallvictories
And then at the very moment I thought we were gonna slip into cruise control for the rest of the evening, she inexplicably lost her mind and exploded in tears -- right in the middle of the doorway. While I was consoling my oldest, my red-headed youngest giggled, turned around, and took off running and laughing along the side of the ice rink, a Disney princess doll in each outstretched hand, and destined for God-only-knows where; like a tiny Joker, I think she just wanted to watch the world burn. If there were any parents judging me at that moment, I can't imagine they would have scored me much higher than 3/10. It wasn't pretty.
A few years ago we packed a lunch and took the girls to Cocoa Beach. It was a very big deal for them because it was the first time they'd been to the ocean. When I was younger, I have very clear memories of my mom and uncle throwing McDonald's french fries into the air for seagulls to catch, and how cool I thought that was. Fast-forward 20 years and I thought I had a wonderful opportunity to throw a piece of a sandwich in the air and lure some birds over so the girls could get a better look. What I didn't know was that over the last 20 years those birds had adopted a more aggressive (not nearly a strong enough word) approach to their pursuit of human food, and that feeding them was looked at as more of a required sacrifice than a voluntary donation. In a matter of seconds we had retreated back to the van, the girls were both sobbing like busted fire hydrants, my wife was calling me names that Donald Trump wouldn't even call Rosie O'Donnell, and I was was legitimately considering exiting the van and letting those pterodactyls have their way with me. It was definitely not one of my finer moments as a parent, and even years later when the girls hear anything that remotely makes them think we're going to a beach, they look at my wife and say, "Mommy, we're not gonna let daddy feed those seagulls are we?"