Saturday, April 2, 2016

The Farting Ninja


"Daddy. You're bald."

The girls have made a habit of dwelling on my follicle misfortune after I tuck them into bed at night. They'll actually hold the "a" in bald and let it drag on to really hammer the point home. The minute they sniffed out that needling me over being bald bothered me, they proceeded to sink the hooks in deeper and rip my heart out with the joy and zeal of a 1-year-old working through an endless pile of paper mache. There's very likely more than a few rounds of sensitivity training in their future.

But if there has been any one good thing to come of being bald, it's the Farting Ninja story.

One day I was shaving my head in the shower and I nicked myself with the razor. It happens. So I got out of the shower, got dressed, put a small piece of toilet paper on my head to keep from bleeding all over myself, and went downstairs.

My oldest daughter saw the toilet paper and blood on my head and asked what happened. So I did what any good father of two young daughters would do on a Saturday afternoon: I made up a tall tale that involved an Uber, pirates, a whale -- and a farting ninja. And, I drew it out on a white board to get myself out of playing dolls for 15 minutes.

So with that, I give you The Farting Ninja.


Daughter: What happened to your head, dad? Why are you bleeding?

Me: Well, after I put you guys to bed last night, I went downstairs and said, "Mommy, I'm going on an adventure!" To which your mother said, "Good riddance." So I put on my pirate outfit, took an Uber to the ocean, met up with my pirate friends, and then we got on our pirate ship. We spent the entire night having grand adventures while looking for buried treasure.

As the sun started to rise I told my fellow pirates, "Fellow pirates, it's been fun, but I've got two beautiful young ladies who are gonna be waking up shortly, and I need to be there to get them their Danimals and chocolate sticks."

So we said our goodbyes, and then I rode the nearest whale back to the shore and caught an Uber back to the house. Just as I walked through the door you ladies were waking up, so I went upstairs to greet you, and then we all went downstairs to have breakfast.

After a long morning of playing outside and running around I realized I was doubly filthy, so I went upstairs to take a shower. While I was in the shower I heard a loud noise that sounded like glass crashing. Then, all of a sudden I heard the longest, loudest fart I have ever heard in my entire life. Even worse than me in my sleep.

Children: No way!

Me: Yes. And based on the sound of the fart, I knew exactly where whatever had come through the window was in the bathroom. So I flung open the shower door, threw on one towel, grabbed a nearby hand towel, and looked up to see an intense, stinky, black-clad ninja with a red headband holding two sais and standing in the attack position.

He came at me and I fended him off as best I could with nothing more than my trusty hand towel. After a few minutes of intense battling (and some slick moves from your father) he caught me on the head with one of his sais and gave me this cut. At that moment I realized that if I don't get this crazy, farting ninja out of my bathroom, he was going to kill me. So I grabbed the Farting Ninja by the scruff of his neck, picked him up by the back of the pants, threw him out the window that he came in through and yelled, "Be gone, Farting Ninja!" And then I got dressed, fixed the window the Farting Ninja broke, called the police and confirmed that they caught the Farting Ninja, and came downstairs.

Daughter: Wow! That's cool!

Me: It was definitely a stinky situation.

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