Sunday, October 19, 2014

What's Your Wife's Current Mood? (Quiz)

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***You can take the electronic version of the quiz above, or you can take the manual version of the quiz below. Enjoy :-)

Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

1) Who did your wife wake up next to this morning?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) You. (4)
B) A child. (3)
C) She slept alone. (2)
D) Hugh Jackman or the UPS guy -- or both. (1)

2) When your wife first saw you this morning what did she do?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) Called you a bitch and told you to go make her some coffee and breakfast. (1)
B) She looked at you and grunted. (2)
C) Ignored you and farted. (4)
D) She said hello and gave you a kiss. (1)

3) Did your wife get coffee this morning?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) Yes, but it was between titty punches from the children. (4)
B) No. She got up late and had to rush the kids somewhere. (2)
C) She didn't because you forgot to make it. (2)
D) Yes, but she had to drink it in the bathroom with the door locked while going to the bathroom. (3)

4) Does your wife work or stay at home?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) She works by choice. Ever since she finished maternity leave she runs out of this place every morning like her ass is on fire. (1)
B) She works but wants to stay home. (3)
C) She stays home. We have one kid at home and the rest in preschool/school some of the time. (2)
D) She stays home with all of our kids. By the time you get home she's sobbing uncontrollably, the cat is glued to the wall and any remaining privileges the children had have been revoked. (4)

5) How many kids do you have?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) Five or more. We haven't figured out what causes babies. What's that vasectomy thing you were talking about? (4)
B) One blessed and special angel. (1)
C) Two kids and a few pets. Can I interest you in either a hamster or a cat? (2)
D) Three kids. The third one was for the tax credit. (3)

6) How many outstanding items are on your honey-do list?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) It reads like Moby Dick. I've never done anything. (4)
B) I'm all caught up. I live to serve. (1)
C) A few things. (2)
D) What's a honey-do list? (4)

7) Have you recently gone on a business trip?
A) All the time. I'm kind of a big deal. I live to collect Rapid Rewards points. (4)
B) No. I'm the one trapped at home with the minions while she gets to globetrot for work. (1)
C) Nope, but I'm heading out for a short one tomorrow. (3)
D) No. I only travel a few times a year for work. (2)

8) Who made the last meal you ate together?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) Papa John or Bob Evans. You get the drift. Neither of us lifted a finger. (1)
B) She did. (3)
C) The kids made it, which explains why the cat is covered in chocolate syrup. God, I hope that's just chocolate syrup. (4)
D) I did. (2)

9) When's the last time someone in your house was sick?
A) We're rarely really sick, but my wife lives in fear 24 hours a day that our children are going to get Ebola. (2)
B) She always says she's sick of my shit. Does that count? (4)
C) Our kids go to daycare. We don't know what it's like to be healthy. (3)
D) Our immune systems are like Chuck Norris; they kick everything's ass. (1)

10) Who deals with the kids when they get sick?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) They don't get sick. (1)
B) She does because she doesn't trust me to take care of them correctly. (4)
C) I do. She's got too much other stuff going on. (1)
D) Nobody gets any special attention in our house. If you're sick, you suck-it-the-hell up and work through it. (3)

11) Are you a sleep farter?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) All the time. The police once showed up at our house one night telling us that a sewer leak had been reported in the area. It was me. (4)
B) I'm not a sleep farter, but my wife unloaded a sleep fart with the cat under the covers once. We found the cat the next morning and thought it was dead; it's walked with a limp ever since. (1)
C) I do, but she doesn't realize it. (2)
D) I don't fart. (1)

12) Do you replace the toilet paper on the roll when it runs out?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) There's a roll for the toilet paper? (3)
B) Like a boss. (1)
C) Why? The floor is perfectly fine. (2)
D) That's my wife's job. (4)

13) Do you and your wife each get time to yourselves?
A) No way. With my bowling league, softball team, fantasy football, watching football and video gaming, there's no time left for her to do anything she likes. (4)
B) Every day that I come home she throws the kids at me and runs out the door. (1)
C) We split shifts and have designated times during the week when we can get out and do things we want. (2)
D) We just fly by the seat of our pants. (3)

14) Who gets up if the kids get shifty at night?
A) She does. I sleep like the dead, so I don't hear anything. If the kids need anything, they've gotta crawl out of their crib and punch me in the face. (3)
B) I do. She's passed out from a wine bender because I'm an asshole in all other aspects of life. It's literally the least I can do. (4)
C) We rotate nights. (2)
D) I do. She stays at home with the kids, and it's something I can do to say thanks. (1)

15) Who does the laundry?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) I always thought elves snuck into our house at night and took care of it. (3)
B) My wife does it. I told her from Day 1 that laundry is part of her wifely duties. (4)
C) I'm not allowed to. The last time I did laundry the baby wound up with a new wardrobe. (2)
D) No one. We wear our clothes until they smell bad and then we throw them away and buy new ones. (1)

16) Who disciplines the kids?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) My wife does. Why would I want our children to hate me? (3)
B) Nobody. Our kids run the house, which explains why the cat is bald and it looks like a Crayola box threw up on our walls. (4)
C) We take turns playing the bad guy. (2)
D) Our children are saints. They've already signed up for the Peace Corps. (1)

17) Did the kids nap?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) No. Their too old for naps. Instead, I have them engage in "unstructured free play," which is parent for, "Leave me the fuck alone and go find something quiet to do." (2)
B) No. They were supposed to, but she gave up after wrestling them for an hour. Now she's angrily blasting Disney music and bouncing balls off their heads to keep them away until bedtime. (4)
C) Yes, but they didn't want to wake up and they've acted like Satan's spawn ever since. (3)
D) Like it was their job. (1)

18) Who takes care of the animals?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) We share the burden. (2)
B) The kids. (3)
C) We have pets? (4)
D) I do everything. (1)

19) Who puts the kids to bed?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) I read the Pokey Little Puppy every night -- three times. (1)
B) My wife handles everything associated with putting the kids to bed. (3)
C) We rotate who puts the kids to bed. (2)
D) Kids sleep? (4)

20) Do you regularly ask how her day went?
A) No time to. She starts yelling at me as soon as I walk through the door. (3)
B) Every day. (1)
C) Who cares. (4)
D) I ask, but I'm just going through the motions. (2)

21) Did the kids eat?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) If cat food and glue count then yes, they ate. (4)
B) They daycare lady said they did, but I'm convinced she's lying. (2)
C) A happy meal and junk food. (3)
D) They eat fruit and veggies all day with no problems. (1)

22) Who runs the TV?
A) I do. Nothing but Jean Claude Van-Damme, Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger and football when I'm home. (4)
B) She does. We're working our way through Hot in Cleveland right now. After that, we work our way through all of the seasons of Golden Girls. (1)
C) We split it. (2)
D) The kids. Do you know the moves for every character during The Hot Dog Dance on Mickey Mouse Club? I fucking do. (2)

23) Who changes diapers?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) We take turns. Opening a diaper is like scratching a lottery ticket, in that you feel like a million dollars when it's either a false alarm or just a few manageable pebbles. (2)
B) I change all the diapers. I'm a veritable shit savant. (1)
C) Not this guy. The smell of baby poop makes me throw up. (4)
D) Our children are so smart they came out potty trained at birth. (1)

Results: Add up the numbers associated with the answers you gave and see where your wife's mood grades out.
Number Total: 0-56
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

The stars have aligned for you, my friend. You better go buy a lottery ticket and bottle some of that happiness so you can uncork it and take a whiff when a shitstorm blows through. The odds are better that we'll find Jimmy Hoffa than this happens two days in a row. If you want photos and videos where everyone is smiling, this is the day to do it. If you're gonna make a play for sex, get to it. If she's I-just-had-sex-with-Hugh Jackman happy and walking around whistling, smiling and singing, she's probably got the ball rolling on a plan to kill you and you only got a few days to live.

Number Total: 57-112
She Hates Your Face:
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

I'm in the process of doing some long-term empirical research, but I can tell you that if you've been married for a while and have a couple of small children that your wife stays home with, this is the zone you live in. The worst-case scenario is that you come home and she needs a few hours to herself after a full day of emotional abuse where she's had to wipe the asses of and cook for the people who are abusing her. She's not shopping the black market for thallium, sharpening knives, throwing a brick through your big-screen TV or taking a hammer to your video game console, but she just needs a little time to herself. She may not want to talk to you, but it's important to note that she doesn't want to kill you.

Number Total: 113-168
She-Hulk Rage Monster:
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

The thunder is coming. This is often a misguided attempt at motivation after you've procrastinated on either one big thing for a very long time, or a number of smaller things over a short period of time. For example, maybe you dug a giant hole in the back yard at the beginning of summer where you said you'd put a swimming pool but never did and now it's October and there's still a giant hole in your back yard, or maybe you forgot to take out the trash, clean out the litter box or lock the back door on the same day. Regardless, you went one toke over the line, and now she's chasing you around the house like a maniac, breathing fire, slinging verbal vitriol and throwing everything from Doc McStuffins accessories to an array of Disney princess wands at you. Strap on your riot gear and let her come at you for 10 minutes. She'll eventually wear herself down, step out to reclaim her sanity, and slowly but surely land back on planet Earth.

Number Total: 169-224
Actively Digging a Hole in the Back Yard:
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

Now you're fu*ked. And it's not that she doesn't like you, but she doesn't like you. The writing is on the wall. Literally. If you come home one day to see "I Hate You!" in washable Crayola finger paint in big letters on a wall in the kitchen, the ship has very likely sailed. And to make it worse, because you never filled in that hole you dug in the back yard that you swore up and down that you'd do something with (which is part of the reason she's infuriated at you), you actually ended up digging half of your own grave. How's that for irony?

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

The ABC's of Marriage with Small Children

"A" is for Art: I love my children, but they're young enough that the buildings they draw look like they have balls, the people all look like they have Leprosy, and the pictures generally look like what you'd imagine if a crayon could develop Tourette Syndrome. And no, I don't say these things to my children. I tell them that the pictures look beautiful and amazing, because they really do illustrate an incredible command of fine motor skills for their age. But in a dark place in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "That picture looks like you drew what a love child between Pinhead from Hellraiser and a box of Fruit Loops would look like."

"B" is for Baby Wipes: Not all baby wipes are created equal. Some baby wipes are thick and a bit rugged, and can actually be used to scrape shit off a child's butt with minimal collateral damage. Other baby wipes are paper thin and basically disintegrate when they come in contact with feces. With those, you always end up going through an entire pack of wipes, and you basically end up cupping your hand and using it as a trowel to get the job done. Baby wipes are one of those things where spending the extra dollar may be in your best interest.

"C" is for Circle Time: Circle time is where a person who doesn't have children asks a group of children under the age of 3 to sit down and hold still in a room full of toys or other temptations where all they want to do is run and play. My experience with this was in gymnastics, where the minute that class started, my child morphed into a honey badger that you can only hope to contain. The lady running the class expected everyone to hold still and stretch for 15 minutes, and gave you the shifty eyes if you couldn't reign your kid in. Half the parents in the class looked like they were fighting the urge to throat punch her. And the hell with Cross Fit. If you want a real workout, try holding down a toddler for an hour in that environment.

"D" is for Divorce: You used to look at divorced people and wonder what was wrong with them. Now, after a rough day of fighting with your wife, you occasionally look at divorced people and wonder how much they paid and what kind of deal they got. My wife also likes to occasionally poke at me and say things like, "My next husband will be better at (insert whatever I failed at)." After years of hearing these things, I've concluded that any guy who is a Grade A house cleaner, world-class chef and amazing listener with farts that smell like a bonfire, the ability to read minds and the body of Hugh Jackman who makes about a million dollars a year and is hung like a racehorse, if he exists, is the result of genetic engineering. Hell, if she found him and told me she wanted me to leave me for him, I'd completely understand.

"E" is for Eating: Some kids eat everything right out of the box: they chug breast milk or formula like a champ, and then they move on to fruits, veggies, meats, McDonald's, cat food, everyone else's food, spicy Mexican food, small action figures and spare change; they're like little goats. There's a whole other section of children who suffer from reflux and won't eat anything no matter how many dancing midgets or princesses you put in front of them. Do you know what babies do when they're hungry? They cry. But a baby with reflux doesn't want to eat because it hurts, so she pushes the bottle away and gets angry. Do you know what babies do after crying and being angry for an extended period of time? They start gagging. And do you know what enough gagging leads to? Throwing up. And do you know what comes after throwing up? They violently shit themselves. Have you ever had to change a shitty diaper on a baby who is screaming bloody murder because she's hungry but won't eat because it hurts? I'd rather be thrown into a gunny sack full of honey badgers or be forced to go quail hunting with Dick Cheney. Those nightmares almost make a person want to sign up for another vasectomy to make sure the first one took.

"F" is for Fruit Pouches: Fruit pouches are as important to kids as toilet wine and shanks are to prison inmates. Some kids can go for weeks eating nothing but fruit pouches. If you try to take a fruit pouch away from them, they will create a shank by snapping the leg off of either a Barbie or a Ninja Turtle and then stab you in the eye. I'm convinced each daycare has a toddler who's like Red in Shawshank Redemption who can get you anything. The other toddlers walk up to him and tell him they want him to sneak them two apple/pineapple fruit pouches, and he tells them it will cost them 10% of their Halloween candy.

"G" is for Games: The louder a game is or the more physical discomfort that game brings you, the happier your child will be and the more they'll want you to play it with them. For example, my wife bought a game called Disney Super Stretchy that's like Twister but with Disney characters and a smaller play area. After five minutes of playing I found myself in a position where my head was positioned awkwardly enough near my own ass that I could see my daughter charging at my backside with her Doc McStuffins thermometer ready to "make me feel better." We still play that game, but let's just say I don't try as hard.

"H" is for Hair Washing: One day you'll try washing your kid's hair and they will yell, scream and fight like you ripped the head off their favorite stuffed animal, told them the fish they ate the night before was actually Nemo and his friends, and then told them that both Elsa and Anna from Frozen died in an avalanche that took out Arendelle.

"I" is for Ice Cream Truck: With gas prices rocketing upward, I can't figure out how an owner or driver of an ice cream truck can cover their operating costs, let alone make a profit. I'm pretty sure that part of the way they make the numbers work is by hiring people who aren't US citizens and who couldn't get a job driving a taxi. That being said, the occasional blasting of music through a loudspeaker still draws children like flies to flypaper and rings like the death knell for parents. My wife told a lie at the beginning that still keeps our children from running to that truck to this day. She told them that the ice cream truck is just a truck that drives around playing music for children to dance to. As a result, our kids just start shaking their butts when the truck drives by. It will be a sad and expensive day when that magic wears off.

"J" is for Junk Food: Don't give your kid a lot of candy and junk food to the point where they expect it. Instead, only give it to them on birthdays, holidays and when you need something. For example, let's say you've got a child who you, Jesus and everyone else knows can shit in a bowl, but he flatly refuses. It's amazing what happens when you dangle a sucker or small candy bar in front of him. That kid will suddenly start shitting on command in the potty. He'll turn into a potty prophet, singing the praises of pooping on the potty to other children without being prompted. He will sit on that potty so much that the edges of it will start to look worn down after the first week.

"K" is for Kid TV Shows/Movies: If you ever want to pee in peace, eat, surf the Internet or have a somewhat civil conversation with another human being between the hours of 6 AM and 9 PM for the first four years of your child's life, you'd better embrace the liquid crystal awesomeness that is your TV. Granted, all magic comes with a price, and the trade-off for your children's silence is that a combination of audio from Doc McStuffins, Frozen, The Little Mermaid and Bubble Guppies now serves as the soundtrack for your life. And yes, as your children get older they will gravitate to more advanced programming, but that just means that you'll have the privilege of explaining why Anty in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids dies to a 4-year-old every day for an entire month.

"L" is for Laundry: Even if everyone in your house wears the same clothes for an entire week and you do laundry all day every day, the amount of laundry that still needs to be done will somehow quintuple. You can't win, so don't even try.

"M" is for Musical Instruments: I'm starting a movement to pass a law that nobody other than a child's mother or father can buy them any sort of toy musical instrument -- ever. An unnamed family member bought my oldest a little pan flute thing for a birthday. I told her she was making beautiful music, but in my head I'm thinking that this is what it sounds like when angels die. After the new wears off, find these toys and give them away to someone you hate.

"N" is for Nap Time: This is the time of the day when you can poop or cry in peace; whether you do them separately or independently is up to you. And you can do it without a small person running in and demanding a Danimal, throwing a Disney princess figurine at you or trying to stick their hand in the stream of urine you're producing. Children actually make you question the price of silence. We went to the library recently and I watched our two daughters operate in dead silence while they threw $1.00 worth of pennies into the fountain over the course of two minutes -- and they didn't say a single word while they did it. Armed with that knowledge, I figure I can put a price on silence; it works out to about $0.25 per minute, or $15 per hour. You're welcome.

"O" is for Other People's Kids: Your kids will forever shit magic while everyone else's children will eternally be at best an inconvenience and at worst assholes. This is never more evident than when you take your kids into a play place inside of a fast food restaurant. When I see another kid push one of my little girls, that little butt hair gets one warning. Anything beyond that and I seek out and throat-punch the parent who unleashed that little underwear stain on the universe. Additionally, if anyone bothers one of my daughters and I'm not there to defend them, they have strict orders to "kick them in the Jimmy."

"P" is for Poop: After having kids you morph into a sort of ass-wiping assassin or shit savant. You can clean up the nastiest, hottest, foulest toddler chocolate hot pocket deposit in the world, and then 30 seconds later be eating finger foods and carrying on idle conversation. At some point, your kid's poop will no longer gross you out and you'll start scrutinizing it and grading it the way some people do baseball cards. In the instances where the turd is especially large, you'll consider preserving it and sending it to the Vatican in the off chance the church will declare it a miracle.

"Q" is for Q-Tip Trick: You haven't lived until you've had a constipated baby and the doctor looks you square in the eye and tells you the best way to dislodge the wad of shit is to dip a Q-Tip in Vaseline, stick it in the baby's bum and then swirl around. That's right, just swirl it around until the shit ball comes flying out of the baby's blowhole. From there, everyone resume normal operations and silently agrees to never talk about what just happened for the rest of their lives. It's normal if your baby doesn't make eye contact with your for a week after this happens. I can't even imagine the kind of social brake-check that would occur if I were asked to explain the Q-Tip trick at some sort of social gathering.

"R" is for Reading at Bedtime: If children had their druthers, parents would be required to read the entire The Chronicles of Narnia collection before bedtime -- twice. But that's the starting point every night, and if you don't channel your inner hostage negotiator and morph into Rick Harrison from Pawn Stars, your child will eat you alive and you'll end up reading every one of those books. Under the guise of teaching a lesson, list everything your child did wrong over the course of the day, and then explain that given all that, about two books sounds fair. Is that a dick move? Absolutely. But Darth Toddler gets about a half hour of story time every night, and daddy's no longer held hostage with a Nerf gun to his head every night reading Bernstein Bears for two hours straight.

"S" is for Sex: Sayonara sex life. Men, after you're done having kids you may as well wrap your dick in aluminum foil and stick it in an electrical outlet. Your only value to your spouse now is as someone who can watch the kids and give them a break. Think of yourself as coming in one notch above the Praying Mantis, in that you're allowed to live.

"T" is for Toy Assembly: There's a little bit of me in everything I assemble for my children, because I've literally bled on all of it in some capacity. Everything from cribs, beds, tricycles, a bicycle, a swing set, pretend play sets, baby swings, and all manner of other wicked, evil shit manufactured in the bowels of Hell by the Devil himself and his gaggle of mechanical engineers. I suspect the engineers actually responsible for this crap are people who were fired from real engineering jobs because there was a history of bridges, buildings or roads they were associated with collapsing, and the only companies who would give them a job were the likes of Little Tikes, Carter's or Sorelle.

"U" is for Unstructured Free Play: This is where you don't give your kids any guidance on what to play with and you let them do what they want. Sure, you can walk away during unstructured free play, but when you come back don't be surprised to fine one kid in a Doc McStuffins outfit holding the cat's tail up while the other one has Doc's thermometer positioned for entry to administer an anal probe. It was also in an unstructured free play scenario that my wife walked away for five minutes and came back to find our 2-year-old in a Belle princess outfit standing on top of the table and swinging from a chandelier, and her 4-year-old sister in a Wolverine outfit jumping on top of a fairy table in the corner of the kitchen clapping and chanting her sister's name.

"V" is for Vasectomy: Scared to have sex ever again after having children? Get snipped and you can get your dick off the disabled list with a 99.9% chance that you've successfully capped your personal child tax credits and that you'll never have to wrestle a child down at circle time again. And contrary to what other people will tell you, a vasectomy isn't that bad. If your vasectomy goes as smoothly as mine did, the anesthesiologist will load you up so much that you won't remember any of the jokes the bitter 60-year-old woman handling your junk cracks about your penis.

"W" is for Work: Before getting married and having kids, going to work was a chore and you couldn't wait to leave. After you get married and have kids, work is a place you can go where you don't have to clean up poop, break up fights, get verbally abused by toddlers or serve as a short-order cook. You can have lunch with other people, have normal conversations and go to the bathroom in peace. Unless you work at a vet's office, you'll never find yourself saying, "Get that out of the cat's ass." All in all, it's like an 8-hour vacation five days a week.

"X" is for X-Rays and Hospital Visits: If you're one of those people who only gets sick once every twenty years then buckle up, because you're about to get reacquainted with the hospital. Either you or your spouse will panic because your child is sweating, screaming and incapable of being soothed or throwing up. Next thing you know you're crying, angry and tired because you just spent six hours waiting for X-rays that show that everything is fine, and the doctor is having you hold down your child who's crying, angry, tired and shitting everywhere to give him a shot that "may help." After that saga ends, you go home, go to work, come home and right as everyone is getting ready to go to bed the child starts sweating and screaming all over again, which sends you, ever the concerned parent, right back to the hospital where you will wait for more X-rays that will show nothing before getting yelled at and shit on all over again so the doctor can administer a shot that probably won't do anything.

"Y" is for Yelling: Children randomly yell. Female children randomly yell more. Wives also like to randomly yell -- a lot. If you're a married guy with two small female children, you're better off stripping down naked, wrapping yourself in bacon and throwing yourself into the bear pit at the zoo; you'll die faster and people will say, "I bet he smelled amazing when he died." Because you will never win. Also, you're about to spend the rest of your life arguing with your wife why shutters are stupid, farts are funny and why you need a bigger television, and the first 10 years of your children's lives arguing with them about why they can't eat candy for every meal, why they have to shit in a bowl and why they shouldn't stick toys in the cat's ass even though the cat appears to like it. Do you want your lasting legacy to be as the guy who died fighting a bear while wrapped in bacon, or as the guy who's wife abused him his entire life and whose kids stopped talking to him because he wouldn't let them stick toys in the cat's ass? Your choice.

"Z" is for Zoo: In theory, taking your kids to the zoo makes sense. They watch Daniel Tiger every morning, they spend half their day trying to catch the family pets, and half their toys are stuffed animals. I get it. But until your children get around the age of 4, they will be scared to death of most of the animals and scream most of the time. The rest of the time you'll be in the petting zoo where the odds are insanely high that your kid will wind up covered in feces, get headbutted by a goat and bit in the ass by a Zedonk, and end up eating a goat turd after mistaking it for a Milk Dud. Nothing short of a bathtub filled with hand sanitizer and a priest can save you after leaving a petting zoo. It also doesn't help that you often have to park 3 miles away, and once you get inside a hot dog and drink will cost you $15.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

We Don't Shit There (An Illustrated Potty Training Poem)

Click here to buy the We Don't Shit There: An Illustrated Potty Training Poem book!

We do not shit in our socks,
That would make for squishy walks.
We do not shit in the toy box,
We may forever stain our blocks.

We do not shit in dad's hat,
When he puts it on, it would go splat.
We do not shit on the cat,
He'd smell worse than a dirty ole rat.

We do not shit on the floor,
Your mother may run out the door.
We do not shit in a drawer,
Your grandmother may die of horror.

We do not shit behind the couch,
Dad would become quite the grouch.
We do not shit on our sister's fruit pouch,
A swat on the bottom would result in an, "Ouch!"

We do not shit in our bed,
That's where we rest our pretty head.
We do not shit in the shed,
That's where we keep our winter sled.

We do not shit in the plants,
That would probably bring in ants.
We do not shit in our pants,
That would make for an interesting dance.

We do not shit in the fridge,
That would ruin everything -- just a smidge.
We do not shit on a bridge,
Leaving a surprise for people walking the ridge.

We do not shit in the sink,
That could put daddy in the clink.
We do not shit in our drink,
That would make our apple juice stink.

We do, however, shit in this bowl,
Just drop your turd straight through the hole.
If you do it right, you'll feel great,
And I won't have to clean up another mistake.