Monday, September 15, 2014

Rise of the Red Dicks or: Wanna See My Elegant Stinkhorn?

"There are giant, red dicks coming up all over the back yard," my wife said nonchalantly. "I need you to take care of it."

Always armed with a smart-ass remark, and refusing to believe that there was a naked herd of rogue neanderthals running amok and pleasuring themselves all over our back yard, I said, "Well, it sounds like they're doing just fine taking care of themselves. Maybe it will help the grass grow back in the bare spot in the middle of the yard."

She wasn't impressed.

She did validate my assumption that the red dicks we were being attacked by were not guys running around our back yard with smartphones working their way through the naked Kate Upton photos hijacked from the ever-mysterious iCloud and spread across the Interwebs. Instead, we had a healthy amount of large, red fungi popping up all over the place that just happened to look like giant, red penises. And the scientific name for these large, red, wanger-looking fungi? Elegant Stinkhorn. I'm convinced these things were put on this planet to prove that scientists had a sense of humor. It was like Father Christmas came early (pun intended) when he put red dick hill in my back yard, giving me my own little comedic gem ripe for the dicking. I even got lost thinking up prospective blog titles that played on movies or TV shows: 20 Dick Jump Street, Old Red Dick, Die Hard: Red Dick, The Wiener Games: Catching Red Dicks, Red Dick Tracy, Flower Wars: Red Dicks Strike Back, 300 Red Dicks, The Mighty Red Dicks, The Walking Red Dicks, How to Train Your Red Dicks, Lord of the Red Dicks, Frozen: Red Dicks, The Fast and the Furious Red Dicks, Finding Red Dicks, Despicable Red Dicks, Breaking Red Dicks and on, and on, and on. I could have literally dicked around with those all day.
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)
Elegant Stinkhorn Invasion

I'm already thinking of how I can incorporate the Elegant Stinkhorn into an appropriately-vague answer for my children when they start asking where babies come from at a young age. Right now that answer would be: "Well honey, a daddy and mommy decide one day that they want to be broke, sleep deprived, smell like shit, have all of their nice shit destroyed and yell at each other about stupid shit for the rest of their lives, and then daddy stabs mommy with his Elegant Stinkhorn and boom, nine months later a baby is born and everyone is miserable and crying."

But seriously, I've got two young daughters, so my life's mission is to keep them away from boys and their penises, or anything that remotely looks like a penis, for as long as God will allow. As a result, an army of wieners popping up in my backyard overnight is my worst nightmare. So with that as our mission, and given the striking resemblance between male genitalia and the Elegant Stinkhorn, if you're in the thrust of a Stinkhorn invasion, here are some ideas for handling them:

1) Extreme Cold or Hot Water Mixed with Bleach: The exposure to the extreme temperatures will result in the Elegant Stinkhorn experiencing an intense case of shrinkage, shriveling up and dying shortly thereafter. This approach means you won't actually have to jerk the Stinkhorn off the top of the ground, which means you won't have to worry about shaking off any Stinkhorn seed. Taking this approach reduces the risk that the Elegant Stinkhorn will keep coming up in your yard again and again.

2) Whacking: Give the Elegant Stinkhorn the Bobbitt treatment and whack it off. However, be warned that furious whacking can result in the spores spreading across a larger area. As a result, whack slowly to restrict the spores that will shake out to a restricted area. You could also put a bag over the Elegant Stinkhorn prior to whacking to prevent the Stinkhorn seed from flying all over the place.

3) Waiting (The Cousin Eddy Approach): This is similar to letting a dog finish humping your leg after he's started. To their credit, the large, red wieners in our back yard stayed erect through the night, but shriveled up the next day. So if you can lay low and avoid going outside over the course of about 24 hours, you can avoid contact with the flock of unwanted, red, penis lookalikes. The down side is that you're essentially allowing the dick imitators to spread their demon seed, increasing your exposure to another Elegant Stinkhorn onslaught.

4) Use Your Hands: Start from the base of the Elegant Stinkhorn and gently stroke upward. Stinkhorns often come up quickly, as there are no roots. However, some Elegant Stinkhorns may be held down by branches, leaves, dirt or other obstacles, and my require significant tugging to get them off the ground.

Just don't mistakenly put Miracle Gro on a group of Elegant Stinkhorn, as they may turn into Teenage Mutant Ninja Red Dicks, and nobody wants that.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Some Assembly Required or: One-Ply Toilet Paper Stinks

The relationship between myself and kid furniture/toys you have to assemble is similar to the relationship I have with one-ply toilet paper: It takes longer than it should to get the job done, I'm continually doing re-work on some areas, and I always walk away angry. And while I've made it very clear since before my wife and I were married that I won't live in a house that hangs anything less than two-ply toilet paper on its dispensers, I can't tell my children that they can't have a bicycle because daddy's a lazy, selfish prick. Besides, you haven't truly experienced fatherhood until you've been reduced to tears while trying to assemble a Dora the Explorer tricycle that looks like Ray Charles could put together in a matter of minutes.

There's a little bit of me in everything that I assemble for my children, because I've literally bled on all of it in some capacity. Everything from cribs, beds, tricycles, a bicycle, a swing set, pretend play sets, baby swings, and all manner of other wicked, evil shit manufactured in the bowels of Hell by the Devil himself and his gaggle of mechanical engineers. I suspect the engineers actually responsible for this crap are people who were fired from real engineering jobs because there was a history of bridges, buildings or roads they were associated with collapsing, and the only companies who would give them a job were the likes of Little Tikes or Sorelle.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Shitsicle or: Feces Festival

It's kind of silly when you think about how irrationally excited parents get when children accomplish something as basic as shitting in a bowl. When you take into account that it takes us between three and four years to master the art of shitting in a bowl and then wiping ourselves, it looks like a Christmas miracle that we're not only the dominant species on this planet, but that we live, on average, to be 85. Most baby animals are walking within seconds, and most cats are licking their ass in a matter of weeks.

For nearly four years we've been swimming in human excrement, and the last couple of weeks at our house have been a veritable feces festival. We had a kind-of brown theme before having children that's magically spread (pun intended) to other parts of the house since the kids have been born, and it isn't paint that's responsible for the added color. There's so much shit in the living room carpet that if you strike a match in our living room it will burst into flames.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Candy Crushed or: Siri Sucks

Candy Crush invites are the herpes of the online universe: you only get them from people you're close to, they flare up sporadically, and there is no painless way to truly get rid of them.

Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)
How I feel about Candy Crush invites.
Do you people actually think I just missed the other 300 messages you sent? There should be a little warning that pops up before you send the invite out to your entire friend list for the tenth time that says, "You're about to send this to everyone you know for the tenth time, which may result in them thinking you're an asshole." After you get that warning, the name of the Send Candy Crush Invite to All button just says: Press Here to be an Asshole.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

The Five Types of Parents You See at the Park

Being the parents of two small girls, I spend a lot of time at the park. I'm sure most of the people who see me at the park on a regular basis ask themselves why I drive five minutes to the park, only to yell at my kids for an hour and then drive back home. It's not that I don't love my children (precious, loving, beautiful little life-sucking angels that they are), but rather that's just the type of park parent that I am; I yell to get their attention when they're doing something they shouldn't be, which just so happens to be all of the time. After nearly four years of living the dad life and spending nearly a thousand hours at parks watching my kids play on equipment that probably wouldn't be approved for use on a Ninja Warrior or military obstacle course, I've created a list of the 5 types of parents you'll see at the park.

1) Cell Phone Parent: This parent is either a social media champion, workaholic, single or a sports or gossip junkie. They open the door to let their kids out of the car and don't look at them again until another parent taps them on the shoulder and says, "Sir, your son just finished eating one dog turd and is getting ready to start another." To which, Cell Phone Parent holds up his hand and says, "Just let me save this change I made to my fantasy football roster and I'll be right there."

Children of these types of parents most often grow up to be fast food workers, homeless or the person who shaves dog testicles at the groomer.