Sunday, October 19, 2014

What's Your Wife's Current Mood? (Quiz)

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***You can take the electronic version of the quiz above, or you can take the manual version of the quiz below. Enjoy :-)

Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

1) Who did your wife wake up next to this morning?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) You. (4)
B) A child. (3)
C) She slept alone. (2)
D) Hugh Jackman or the UPS guy -- or both. (1)

2) When your wife first saw you this morning what did she do?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) Called you a bitch and told you to go make her some coffee and breakfast. (1)
B) She looked at you and grunted. (2)
C) Ignored you and farted. (4)
D) She said hello and gave you a kiss. (1)

3) Did your wife get coffee this morning?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) Yes, but it was between titty punches from the children. (4)
B) No. She got up late and had to rush the kids somewhere. (2)
C) She didn't because you forgot to make it. (2)
D) Yes, but she had to drink it in the bathroom with the door locked while going to the bathroom. (3)

4) Does your wife work or stay at home?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) She works by choice. Ever since she finished maternity leave she runs out of this place every morning like her ass is on fire. (1)
B) She works but wants to stay home. (3)
C) She stays home. We have one kid at home and the rest in preschool/school some of the time. (2)
D) She stays home with all of our kids. By the time you get home she's sobbing uncontrollably, the cat is glued to the wall and any remaining privileges the children had have been revoked. (4)

5) How many kids do you have?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) Five or more. We haven't figured out what causes babies. What's that vasectomy thing you were talking about? (4)
B) One blessed and special angel. (1)
C) Two kids and a few pets. Can I interest you in either a hamster or a cat? (2)
D) Three kids. The third one was for the tax credit. (3)

6) How many outstanding items are on your honey-do list?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) It reads like Moby Dick. I've never done anything. (4)
B) I'm all caught up. I live to serve. (1)
C) A few things. (2)
D) What's a honey-do list? (4)

7) Have you recently gone on a business trip?
A) All the time. I'm kind of a big deal. I live to collect Rapid Rewards points. (4)
B) No. I'm the one trapped at home with the minions while she gets to globetrot for work. (1)
C) Nope, but I'm heading out for a short one tomorrow. (3)
D) No. I only travel a few times a year for work. (2)

8) Who made the last meal you ate together?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) Papa John or Bob Evans. You get the drift. Neither of us lifted a finger. (1)
B) She did. (3)
C) The kids made it, which explains why the cat is covered in chocolate syrup. God, I hope that's just chocolate syrup. (4)
D) I did. (2)

9) When's the last time someone in your house was sick?
A) We're rarely really sick, but my wife lives in fear 24 hours a day that our children are going to get Ebola. (2)
B) She always says she's sick of my shit. Does that count? (4)
C) Our kids go to daycare. We don't know what it's like to be healthy. (3)
D) Our immune systems are like Chuck Norris; they kick everything's ass. (1)

10) Who deals with the kids when they get sick?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) They don't get sick. (1)
B) She does because she doesn't trust me to take care of them correctly. (4)
C) I do. She's got too much other stuff going on. (1)
D) Nobody gets any special attention in our house. If you're sick, you suck-it-the-hell up and work through it. (3)

11) Are you a sleep farter?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) All the time. The police once showed up at our house one night telling us that a sewer leak had been reported in the area. It was me. (4)
B) I'm not a sleep farter, but my wife unloaded a sleep fart with the cat under the covers once. We found the cat the next morning and thought it was dead; it's walked with a limp ever since. (1)
C) I do, but she doesn't realize it. (2)
D) I don't fart. (1)

12) Do you replace the toilet paper on the roll when it runs out?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) There's a roll for the toilet paper? (3)
B) Like a boss. (1)
C) Why? The floor is perfectly fine. (2)
D) That's my wife's job. (4)

13) Do you and your wife each get time to yourselves?
A) No way. With my bowling league, softball team, fantasy football, watching football and video gaming, there's no time left for her to do anything she likes. (4)
B) Every day that I come home she throws the kids at me and runs out the door. (1)
C) We split shifts and have designated times during the week when we can get out and do things we want. (2)
D) We just fly by the seat of our pants. (3)

14) Who gets up if the kids get shifty at night?
A) She does. I sleep like the dead, so I don't hear anything. If the kids need anything, they've gotta crawl out of their crib and punch me in the face. (3)
B) I do. She's passed out from a wine bender because I'm an asshole in all other aspects of life. It's literally the least I can do. (4)
C) We rotate nights. (2)
D) I do. She stays at home with the kids, and it's something I can do to say thanks. (1)

15) Who does the laundry?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) I always thought elves snuck into our house at night and took care of it. (3)
B) My wife does it. I told her from Day 1 that laundry is part of her wifely duties. (4)
C) I'm not allowed to. The last time I did laundry the baby wound up with a new wardrobe. (2)
D) No one. We wear our clothes until they smell bad and then we throw them away and buy new ones. (1)

16) Who disciplines the kids?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) My wife does. Why would I want our children to hate me? (3)
B) Nobody. Our kids run the house, which explains why the cat is bald and it looks like a Crayola box threw up on our walls. (4)
C) We take turns playing the bad guy. (2)
D) Our children are saints. They've already signed up for the Peace Corps. (1)

17) Did the kids nap?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) No. Their too old for naps. Instead, I have them engage in "unstructured free play," which is parent for, "Leave me the fuck alone and go find something quiet to do." (2)
B) No. They were supposed to, but she gave up after wrestling them for an hour. Now she's angrily blasting Disney music and bouncing balls off their heads to keep them away until bedtime. (4)
C) Yes, but they didn't want to wake up and they've acted like Satan's spawn ever since. (3)
D) Like it was their job. (1)

18) Who takes care of the animals?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) We share the burden. (2)
B) The kids. (3)
C) We have pets? (4)
D) I do everything. (1)

19) Who puts the kids to bed?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) I read the Pokey Little Puppy every night -- three times. (1)
B) My wife handles everything associated with putting the kids to bed. (3)
C) We rotate who puts the kids to bed. (2)
D) Kids sleep? (4)

20) Do you regularly ask how her day went?
A) No time to. She starts yelling at me as soon as I walk through the door. (3)
B) Every day. (1)
C) Who cares. (4)
D) I ask, but I'm just going through the motions. (2)

21) Did the kids eat?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) If cat food and glue count then yes, they ate. (4)
B) They daycare lady said they did, but I'm convinced she's lying. (2)
C) A happy meal and junk food. (3)
D) They eat fruit and veggies all day with no problems. (1)

22) Who runs the TV?
A) I do. Nothing but Jean Claude Van-Damme, Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger and football when I'm home. (4)
B) She does. We're working our way through Hot in Cleveland right now. After that, we work our way through all of the seasons of Golden Girls. (1)
C) We split it. (2)
D) The kids. Do you know the moves for every character during The Hot Dog Dance on Mickey Mouse Club? I fucking do. (2)

23) Who changes diapers?
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

A) We take turns. Opening a diaper is like scratching a lottery ticket, in that you feel like a million dollars when it's either a false alarm or just a few manageable pebbles. (2)
B) I change all the diapers. I'm a veritable shit savant. (1)
C) Not this guy. The smell of baby poop makes me throw up. (4)
D) Our children are so smart they came out potty trained at birth. (1)

Results: Add up the numbers associated with the answers you gave and see where your wife's mood grades out.
Number Total: 0-56
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

The stars have aligned for you, my friend. You better go buy a lottery ticket and bottle some of that happiness so you can uncork it and take a whiff when a shitstorm blows through. The odds are better that we'll find Jimmy Hoffa than this happens two days in a row. If you want photos and videos where everyone is smiling, this is the day to do it. If you're gonna make a play for sex, get to it. If she's I-just-had-sex-with-Hugh Jackman happy and walking around whistling, smiling and singing, she's probably got the ball rolling on a plan to kill you and you only got a few days to live.

Number Total: 57-112
She Hates Your Face:
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

I'm in the process of doing some long-term empirical research, but I can tell you that if you've been married for a while and have a couple of small children that your wife stays home with, this is the zone you live in. The worst-case scenario is that you come home and she needs a few hours to herself after a full day of emotional abuse where she's had to wipe the asses of and cook for the people who are abusing her. She's not shopping the black market for thallium, sharpening knives, throwing a brick through your big-screen TV or taking a hammer to your video game console, but she just needs a little time to herself. She may not want to talk to you, but it's important to note that she doesn't want to kill you.

Number Total: 113-168
She-Hulk Rage Monster:
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

The thunder is coming. This is often a misguided attempt at motivation after you've procrastinated on either one big thing for a very long time, or a number of smaller things over a short period of time. For example, maybe you dug a giant hole in the back yard at the beginning of summer where you said you'd put a swimming pool but never did and now it's October and there's still a giant hole in your back yard, or maybe you forgot to take out the trash, clean out the litter box or lock the back door on the same day. Regardless, you went one toke over the line, and now she's chasing you around the house like a maniac, breathing fire, slinging verbal vitriol and throwing everything from Doc McStuffins accessories to an array of Disney princess wands at you. Strap on your riot gear and let her come at you for 10 minutes. She'll eventually wear herself down, step out to reclaim her sanity, and slowly but surely land back on planet Earth.

Number Total: 169-224
Actively Digging a Hole in the Back Yard:
Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

Now you're fu*ked. And it's not that she doesn't like you, but she doesn't like you. The writing is on the wall. Literally. If you come home one day to see "I Hate You!" in washable Crayola finger paint in big letters on a wall in the kitchen, the ship has very likely sailed. And to make it worse, because you never filled in that hole you dug in the back yard that you swore up and down that you'd do something with (which is part of the reason she's infuriated at you), you actually ended up digging half of your own grave. How's that for irony?

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

The ABC's of Marriage with Small Children

"A" is for Art: I love my children, but they're young enough that the buildings they draw look like they have balls, the people all look like they have Leprosy, and the pictures generally look like what you'd imagine if a crayon could develop Tourette Syndrome. And no, I don't say these things to my children. I tell them that the pictures look beautiful and amazing, because they really do illustrate an incredible command of fine motor skills for their age. But in a dark place in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "That picture looks like you drew what a love child between Pinhead from Hellraiser and a box of Fruit Loops would look like."

"B" is for Baby Wipes: Not all baby wipes are created equal. Some baby wipes are thick and a bit rugged, and can actually be used to scrape shit off a child's butt with minimal collateral damage. Other baby wipes are paper thin and basically disintegrate when they come in contact with feces. With those, you always end up going through an entire pack of wipes, and you basically end up cupping your hand and using it as a trowel to get the job done. Baby wipes are one of those things where spending the extra dollar may be in your best interest.

"C" is for Circle Time: Circle time is where a person who doesn't have children asks a group of children under the age of 3 to sit down and hold still in a room full of toys or other temptations where all they want to do is run and play. My experience with this was in gymnastics, where the minute that class started, my child morphed into a honey badger that you can only hope to contain. The lady running the class expected everyone to hold still and stretch for 15 minutes, and gave you the shifty eyes if you couldn't reign your kid in. Half the parents in the class looked like they were fighting the urge to throat punch her. And the hell with Cross Fit. If you want a real workout, try holding down a toddler for an hour in that environment.

"D" is for Divorce: You used to look at divorced people and wonder what was wrong with them. Now, after a rough day of fighting with your wife, you occasionally look at divorced people and wonder how much they paid and what kind of deal they got. My wife also likes to occasionally poke at me and say things like, "My next husband will be better at (insert whatever I failed at)." After years of hearing these things, I've concluded that any guy who is a Grade A house cleaner, world-class chef and amazing listener with farts that smell like a bonfire, the ability to read minds and the body of Hugh Jackman who makes about a million dollars a year and is hung like a racehorse, if he exists, is the result of genetic engineering. Hell, if she found him and told me she wanted me to leave me for him, I'd completely understand.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

We Don't Shit There (An Illustrated Potty Training Poem)

Click here to buy the We Don't Shit There: An Illustrated Potty Training Poem book!

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

A Constipation Conversation

This is an impromptu text message conversation between four friends about constipation. You could say this conversation was a tough one to have and that it left us in stitches.

Copyright 2014, Travis Ross (Simple Man's Survival Guide)

Friend 1: Have you heard of the movie Constipation?

Friend 2: No.

Friend 1: It hasn't come out yet.

Friend 3: Is it gonna come out soon?

Friend 1: Maybe. Not sure if it's going to be PG or R due to all the blood.

Friend 3: I hope the sequel doesn't immediately follow.

Friend 1: I don't know. It may come quicker than expected.

Friend 3: I think we lost Friend 2.

Friend 1: Maybe he's in line to see the movie.

Friend 4: I heard the reviews were explosive.

Friend 3: The audience thought it stunk.

Friend 4: I heard it was splash with some, though.

Friend 3: I heard the star was a real ass.

(Newly married and younger Friend 4 tries explaining to his wife why this conversation is funny. She isn't amused and wonders whether her next husband will participate in stupid text message conversations like this one. The texting conversation resumes.)

Friend 1: Wives have all seen it, but will deny going to the movies. They go alone and don't tell anyone.

Friend 3: They may not like it, but they push their way through.

Friend 1: I also prefer to watch it in private. I can be a little noisy at public viewings and people can get scared. If I get angry at the film it can sound like I'm wrestling a honey badger.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Rise of the Red Dicks or: Wanna See My Elegant Stinkhorn?

"There are giant, red dicks coming up all over the back yard," my wife said nonchalantly. "I need you to take care of it."

Always armed with a smart-ass remark, and refusing to believe that there was a naked herd of rogue neanderthals running amok and pleasuring themselves all over our back yard, I said, "Well, it sounds like they're doing just fine taking care of themselves. Maybe it will help the grass grow back in the bare spot in the middle of the yard."

She wasn't impressed.

She did validate my assumption that the red dicks we were being attacked by were not guys running around our back yard with smartphones working their way through the naked Kate Upton photos hijacked from the ever-mysterious iCloud and spread across the Interwebs. Instead, we had a healthy amount of large, red fungi popping up all over the place that just happened to look like giant, red penises. And the scientific name for these large, red, wanger-looking fungi? Elegant Stinkhorn. I'm convinced these things were put on this planet to prove that scientists had a sense of humor. It was like Father Christmas came early (pun intended) when he put red dick hill in my back yard, giving me my own little comedic gem ripe for the dicking. I even got lost thinking up prospective blog titles that played on movies or TV shows: 20 Dick Jump Street, Old Red Dick, Die Hard: Red Dick, The Wiener Games: Catching Red Dicks, Red Dick Tracy, Flower Wars: Red Dicks Strike Back, 300 Red Dicks, The Mighty Red Dicks, The Walking Red Dicks, How to Train Your Red Dicks, Lord of the Red Dicks, Frozen: Red Dicks, The Fast and the Furious Red Dicks, Finding Red Dicks, Despicable Red Dicks, Breaking Red Dicks and on, and on, and on. I could have literally dicked around with those all day.